If you expected your troubles to end after your relationship did but you are still having a hard time moving on, you may have been with a destructive or abusive partner.
When you breakup from a destructive man, the past continually resurfaces, your breakup seems to go on forever, and anticipating a better future feels impossible despite how much time goes by. You feel uninspired about starting over but you still think about men and dating, and jump right back in, planning to just choose better this time around.
By contrast, when you breakup with a non-destructive partner, the past ends in a reasonable timeframe. You begin thinking about upping your education, traveling, relocating, finding a new career, starting or renewing a hobby~and you do so without panic or fear driving your thought process and actions. You most likely think about men and talk about dating again, but you don’t necessarily jump right back in, preferring, instead, to take some time for yourself.
As you transition through a breakup from a non-destructive man, you feel renewed even though you may have some anger, frustration, resentment or even fantasies of retaliation. As you begin to come to terms with everything, you feel sad but the pain that consumed you and caused you to shut down or indulge, was temporary. You eventually realize that you have to heal yourself and once you make the decision to move on, you feel empowered, hopeful about the future, and excited about starting over.
Your breakup recovery is quick and the conclusion that it was best you parted ways is comforting. You still have respect for your ex and can speak highly of him while feeling compassion and respect for yourself as you work on healing from the inside out. You know your next relationship will be better, and that dating will be fun when you decide it's time for that again.
After a breakup with a destructive or abusive partner, things are very different.
Moving on feels like an impossible task; you rehash the past and the problems, and good memories flow on autopilot and intrude on your life, potentially causing you to re-connect, only to promise yourself you’ll never do that again. You regret the lost time, the wasted effort and the endless breakups, and you focus on his good side because it makes you understand why you stayed for too long.
You have little or no anger and tons of compassion and empathy~for him. You feel sorry for him because he just never "got it." You want him to feel better and you try to get him to understand why you couldn’t stay, prompting him to be compassionate in the hopes that he will get it, or so you can get back together. You have always accepted more responsibility and blame in relationships than you should and that's tiring but you don’t know how to have it any other way.
You feel exhausted, powerless, and hopeless when you think about starting over or loving again. You are trapped by the breakup~and trapped in the past. You loved him but lost respect for him. Somewhere along the way, although no one knows it, you also lost respect for yourself by being with him, and you don’t know how to get it back. You can’t heal and you seek validation from the outside in.