How To Break The Cycle: Your On-Again, Off-Again Relationship

By

on-again, off-again relationship
Break out of the pattern in three easy steps.

It's hard to turn the mirror on ourselves though, so pick a time frame for the changes to happen, and stick to it. Consider this time frame top-secret and take action within it (three weeks, three months or whatever seems reasonable). If things are still the same after the time is up, don't discuss it anymore; just cut your losses and move on.   

2. Look at your level of empathy and compassion. If you are extra compassionate toward him, it can cause you to stay in a relationship that has run its course. You're keeping the cycle going. But when you shift from focusing on the relationship shortcomings and his needs, games and excuses to focusing on yourself and becoming personally accountable for changing the game, it puts you in the driver's seat. When you turn your empathy and compassion inward, you start creating them for yourself, rather than waiting for him to bring the things you need into your life.

3. Don't allow yourself to work harder on the relationship than he does. If you've found yourself stuck in an on-again, off-again love pattern, become temporarily self-centered instead of letting everything be about, or for, the two of you or trying to fix things all the time. Let things be what they are for a while and pay attention to what you see.

When you don't allow yourself to work harder on the relationship than he does, it provides clarity very quickly. It is also likely to trigger some new behavior, which is when he suddenly complies with your wishes or delivers on promises that had been made before, but not lived up to. This is part of the pattern in destructive relationships, so it's important to notice when he suddenly steps up the good behavior, especially if it only happens when you stop making efforts to improve things. You may not want to leave him, and he may have a lot of great qualities, but that doesn't change the fact that things will not improve if he is unable to make or sustain change.

This article was originally published at Teagin Maddox The Start Over Expert . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Teagin Maddox~The Start Over Expert

Author

Teagin Maddox~Start Over Expert
BA (Hons), CPC, Certified Toxic Relationship Specialist
Break Up Safety Training, Break Up / Divorce Recovery Programs,
& Safe Dating Courses for Women
www.teaginmaddox.com
212-799-0420

Location: New York, NY
Credentials: CPC, CRC, Other
Specialties: Dating/Being Single Support, Empowering Women, Financial Stress, Life Management
Other Articles/News by Teagin Maddox~The Start Over Expert:

Valentine’s Day Survival Guide

By

Valentine’s Day is the day to measure relationship successes and failures.  If destructive love has been your norm, or you’ve recently had a tough break up, you can end up rehashing years of unhappiness if you don’t take control of the day and use it to your advantage. Start the day by declaring your love life a toxic-free zone, and ... Read more

From Soul-Mate to Soul-Hate

By

If you expected your troubles to end after your relationship did but you are still having a hard time moving on, you may have been with a destructive or abusive partner. When you breakup from a destructive man, the past continually resurfaces, your breakup seems to go on forever, and anticipating a better future feels impossible despite how much time goes ... Read more

Nigella Lawson Teaches Abused Women A Lesson In Moving On

By

If you try to assert yourself or stand your ground with a destructive partner, prepare for the backlash. Destructive and abusive men punish women who say, "no." Nigella Lawson is experiencing this right now. When her husband of 10 years, Charles Saatchi, 71, was photographed grabbing her by the neck and prodding her nose during an argument at a ... Read more

See More

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

FROM AROUND THE WEB