Love her or hate her ... we know you have her in your "friend" circle.
The world of social media has become the new proverbial "village" where women, especially moms, gather to chat, share ideas, gossip and even bicker from time to time. And just like the IRL ladies we invite to Girls Night in our living rooms, the cast of online "friends" on those social screens is colorful, diverse and oh so much fun to identify.
As a blogger myself, I've loving labeled some of my favorite character (er, I mean, personality) types. I'm sure you'll recognize several of these mommies from your own circle of online friends.
So feel free to giggle, share and even tag your friends in the comments! Which one is she? (And which one are you?)
1. The Man-Basher Mom
This is the mom who can take even the most well written, loving Father's Day post and make it all about why men suck and women are better of becoming asexual. Her typical post contains an unreasonable amount of male-directed obscenities and she talks mostly about her uterus, her heroic schedule and lack of child support.
But we love her because she reminds us of how amazing we are and how fabulous it is to have someone to "tag us out" when we get too busy. Although secretly, we know she really just needs a date already.
2. The "ALL About My Man" Mom
Her social presence is completely wrapped up in her man's identity. Whether it's her husband or her boyfriend of the week, her posts ooze with so much male praise it makes us want to write "Get a room!"
One way to spot this mom is the outpour of mundane photos of the selfies of them together accompanied by extravagantly complimentary captions like "I am the luckiest woman in the world. I have the most amazing husband and father ever!" (Ughh).
Although it's true that she has enough love already, we love her because in a society with a staggering divorce rate, we appreciate her ability to build up her man even when things get tough.
Perhaps that recycled post about how lucky she is seems a bit contrived at times, but let's apply the ideology of "you get what you focus on" and celebrate her positive effort. It's enough makes us act a little nicer to our men, too.
3. The Pinterest Perfect Mom
Her profile is like a page from a magazine. From homemade Halloween costumes and gourmet meals to perfect report cards and Norman Rockwell-esque picnics, this mom posts all things perfection, all the time and is apparently the most well-adjusted woman on the planet!
She is happiest on Pinterest, but will gladly post her achievements on Facebook or write a post for LinkedIn — if that's where you'll see it.
None of us really like her, but we really do love her because we know she has insecurity issues and that the picture she avoided posting is the one of her toddler throwing a temper tantrum in the frozen foods section of Walmart where we all know she buys her "homemade" cherry pie. That, and the fact that she challenges us all to upgrade into a slightly better version of ourselves (but we won't tell her that).
4. The Voice Of Experience Mom
How this woman has mothered so many children, we have no idea — unless her baby maker is a clown car — but what we do know is that we cannot seem to say, do or think anything that she has not already mastered. She rarely ever posts anything on her own, but she is a serial commenter and her go-to statement is "As the mother of [insert outrageous number here] kids, I know ..."
Her commentary and know-it-all attitude are infuriating, but her experience is undeniable, which is why we love (to hate) her. We have to respect her.
5. The Keyboard Courage Mom
A picture is worth a thousand words, but this mom doesn't have a way with words, so she simply communicates by posting a thousand pictures.
Off-screen, she is the least talkative and most monotone person ever, but through the power of video, Instagram and hysterical e-cards, she becomes a full-out sociable stand-up comedian (from behind the safety of her laptop screen only).
Everyone loves this mom! Why? Because she does all the research to find all the funniest stuff online so we can steal it from her and post it on our own pages; right after we get done laughing.
6. The Tough Mom
Frankly, she scares the hell out of us, but we are too afraid to un-friend her, so we just post winky faces or LOLs at everything she says (which typically sounds something like "I'm gonna beat this kid's butt and then get a tattoo to tell the world I did it!"). We honestly hope she doesn't ever actually follow through on anything she says.
7. The Hippie Mom
Everything is beautiful and life is full of rainbows and kittens in this mom's space. She posts Gandhi quotes, pictures of way too flexible people in yoga poses and articles about the dangers of anger on your body and the planet.
She is a juicer and a raw food vegan and you will commonly find her posting comments like: "We are all doing the best we can, so let's not judge." If you really want to see this mom's true conviction to her "love dome," try posting a picture of your whole family at a Brazilian steak house for your 3-year-old's birthday and see how that "no judgment" sticks.
But regardless of her hypocrisy, we still love her because, honestly, she's brainwashed us. (And to not love her would be like punching a puppy.)
8. The Parenting Expert Non-Mom
OK, teenybopper. We all know she had the worst upbringing ever (which is still happening by the way) and she would never imagine doing anything other "basic" moms do on the internet. Her future children will be adorable and well-behaved and practically perfect in every way ... as soon as she has them. But right now, she doesn't.
She's free to give her non-mom point of view, but until she's been projectile vomited on at 3:00 AM or has her normally easy-going toddler flip out on an airplane for four hours because of a raging ear infection, she should save her sage maternal advice for when she actually is a parent.
Although, we love her because we know what she's in for. Revenge is sweet, isn't it?
9. The Hot Mom
If she were on Real Housewives, she'd be the one getting smacked all the time. Why? Because although she has a beautiful body, no one wants to see her pimp it out on a regular basis unless it provides her (or you) with an income … in which case, we can NOT be friends because I have parental controls on my devices that block those kinds of things.
And I'm tired of my husband, who is also her "friend" showing me her posts and saying things like, "See! You can still get into shape at our age!" So, put on some clothes and post pictures of your perfect ankles if you'd like, but your abs just make me angry!
We do love her because she forces us to put down the donut and work out — once in a while — when we get mad enough.
10. The Online Entrepreneur Mom
Our lives would be perfect, our wallets full, our passports worn and our bodies lean and clean if only we would buy every product from, host a party for or join this mom's team in her party plan of the month. She is the ultimate Type A personality and she could make ice look irresistible to an Eskimo! We appreciate her love of life, but we know the real mantra for the world is to "fake it 'til you make it."
So really, she should know that when she sends me those private messages that start out "I've been living the life of my dreams and I really want to share this with you!" ... I know what you're up to ... because you haven't spoken to me since high school.
But we love that she's thinking of us and we thank her for keeping our best interests at heart. (Really, we're not faking it.)
11. The "Just Had My First Baby" New Mom
We tried to come up with a cutesy name for her, but we figured she'd fall one of the other categories soon enough anyway. So for now, we'll simply let her bask in glow of the pudgie cheeks, full breasts and that new baby smell. And we'll look forward to her "minute by minute" updates of the bodily functions that occur after her child has just eaten or woken up from a nap or had a bath.
We love her because she reminds us of a happier, simpler time, when talking back only included spit bubbles, poop was cute and people still enjoyed being around our child.
12. The "In Denial About Being A Mom" Mom
Oh darlin' you know who you are (and so do we, because all we ever see on your page is you!) Those lovely duck-lipped selfies, sexy girlfriend shots, club shots, shot shots and shoe shots interrupted only by the occasional post about your suffering social life because of your "kid." The only real pics of your kid are the ones you took while you were pregnant so you could be in them or accidental spottings of half your child's face in the review mirror of your "I'm in the car" selfie.
We love her because she loves herself SO much it's contagious; and deep down, we know she loves her kids because ... well, they came from you.
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