The Voice Of Experience Mom
How this woman has mothered so many children, we have no idea — unless her baby maker is a clown car — but what we do know is that we cannot seem to say or do or think anything that she has not already mastered. She rarely ever posts anything on her own, but she is a serial commenter and her go-to statement is "As the mother of [insert outrageous number here] kids, I know ..."
Her commentary and know-it-all attitude are infuriating, but her experience is undeniable, which is why we love to hate her, but we have to respect her.
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The Paparazzi Mom
A picture is worth a thousand words, but this mom doesn't have a way with words, so she simply posts a thousand pictures. Off-screen, she is the least talkative and most monotone person ever, but through the power of video, Instagram and hysterical e-cards, she becomes a full-out stand-up comedian.
Everyone loves this mom! Why? Because she does all the research to find all the funniest stuff online so we can steal it from her and post it on our own pages; right after we get done laughing.
The Tough Mom
Frankly, she scares the hell out of us, but we are too afraid to unfriend her, so we just post winky faces or LOLs at everything she says (which typically sounds something like "I'm gonna beat this kid's butt and then get a tattoo to tell the world I did it!"). We honestly hope she doesn't ever actually follow through on anything she says.
The Hippie Mom
Everything is beautiful and life is full of rainbows and kittens in this mom's space. She posts Gandhi quotes, pictures of way too flexible people in yoga poses and articles about the dangers of anger on your body and the planet. She is a juicer and a raw food vegan and you will commonly find her posting comments like: "We are all doing the best we can, so let's not judge." If you really want to see this mom's true conviction to her "love dome," try posting a picture of your whole family at a Brazillian steak house for your 3-year-old's birthday and see how that "no judgement" sticks.
But regardless of her hypocrisy, we still love her because, honestly, she's brainwashed us. (And to not love her would be like punching a puppy.)
The Non-Mom Mom
OK, teenybopper. We all know she had the worst upbringing ever (which is still happening by the way) and she would never imagine doing anything other moms do on the internet. Her children will be adorable and well-behaved and practically perfect in every way as soon as you have them. But right now, she doesn't. She's free to give her non-mom point of view, but until she's been projectile vomited on at 3 in the morning or has her normally easy-going toddler flip out on an airplane for 4 hours because he has a raging ear infection, she should save her sage maternal advice for when she actually is a parent.
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Although, we love her because we know what she's in for. Revenge is sweet, isn't it? Keep reading...