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The simplest ways to ensure your marriage is the real deal.
By Tanisha Sapp
Last updated on Apr 21, 2024
I often get clients in my office, or even friends, for that matter, who ask me, "What are the keys to a successful marriage?" I can remember asking that very same question myself before I married my husband. If you ask the older generation, the response is usually "good communication, love, trust, etc." However, after working with several couples and conducting several interviews, I came up with this list of 10 modern, essential keys to success in your marriage.
Here are 10 essential lessons that'll make your marriage last forever:
1. Respect your marriage and take it seriously
This is big. If the marriage is going to work, both partners need to respect the marriage. You simply can't have people in your circle who don't respect your marriage. Furthermore, you need to take your marriage seriously. I'm sure you didn't get married as a joke, did you?
2. Keep your marriage fun
Stop sulking and start living — liven up that dull marriage. Go have fun, and have lots of intimacy! You didn't get married to become a washed-up prude. Marriage doesn't mean that you stop having fun or stop being an individual. Now you have a life partner with whom you can have DOUBLE the fun with.
3. Remember that being intimate is not optional
Intimacy in marriage is a requirement. Throw your inhibitions out the window and spice things up. If you're bored, there's an app for that! If you're no longer interested, there are ways to bring the hotness back into your marriage. Whatever you do, don't stop being intimate.
4. Withholding intimacy as a punishment is a recipe for disaster
You'll both just end up mean and grumpy.
5. Communicate
Communication is very important in a marriage. Talk to your partner. Trust me, they don't know what you're thinking — even when you think they should.
6. Know your love language
Knowing each other's love language will make life so much easier. Do you know yours? How we communicate with others is essentially how we would like our partner to communicate with us. Unfortunately, that doesn't work. It's quite the opposite. We should communicate with our partner in his or her love language.
7. Never issue an ultimatum or threaten divorce
Ultimatums and idle threats are low blows. Sometimes, in the heat of an argument, we tend to hit below the belt. It's unfair AND unhealthy. Don't issue an ultimatum or threaten divorce unless you intend to follow through. The response just might shock you.
8. Change your state of mind
Are you praying for your partner? If not, you may want to start. (If prayer simply isn't your thing, speak affirmations.) Either way, you should support and uplift your partner, even when he or she isn't around.
9. Your spouse isn't going to miraculously change now
News flash: The person you married is the person you married. You knew who he or she was before you married him or her. Saying “I do” won’t change that — you won't magically get all that you dreamed of.
10. Never stop dating each other
You have to keep the romance alive. Spontaneity works. What you did to get him or her is what you need to maintain the relationship. Have fun with it! This is your life mate after all, isn't it? Now that you have the keys to success, it's up to you to unlock the potential in your marriage. Don't hesitate to step outside of your comfort zone and dare try different things. Take your marriage to the next level!
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Tanisha Sapp is a counselor and founder of New Level Empowerment and Consultation, LLC. She has over 10 years of experience in the human services field and specializes in trauma-focused counseling with adolescents and adults.