Sometimes trying to decide if you should tell or not tell can challenge your limits. What if you tell and it hurts your partner but the affair is over? Wouldnt it be better not to tell? What if you tell and they leave you?
Frankly, either way will be difficult. Not telling isnt any easier on YOU then telling is. Living with the guilt, shame and the general threat to your own integrity can make you withdraw from your partner. They might see you withdrawing and wonder whats wrong.
It is one thing to keep an affair that is in the past a secret in the present. For some, it feels like a private experience and it is compartmentalized from the rest of their life with their primary partner. For others, however, it can be a minefield waiting to blow and cause intense anxiety and mood swings.
One thing to keep in mind is that NOT telling may feel like you are protecting your partner. But if they ASK you and you LIE, then its no longer about protecting their feelings. Lying in the face of investigative questioning is a betrayal that leads to another level of tension in your relationship, and in yourself.
Think about this - would you rather disclose or be discovered? What are the consequences of not telling? Can you live with them? What about telling the truth - what will happen to you; your partner and your relationship?
Tammy Nelson, PhD
Getting the Sex You Want; Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together