Expert Blog Compelling advice, stories, and thought-provoking perspectives straight from YourTango's lineup of Experts to you

I am UGLY and STUPID

Contributor
Sex

Negative thought patterns play a huge role in our self esteem and confidence in our sex life!

The title of this article is no joke! I honestly did mature from my childhood, through my adolescence, and into a woman with this negative belief about myself.  I believed it and the more often I heard this in my head, I understood it as truth!
Now why would I do that? The reason is because as a child someone who was in my “soul cloud” family spoke these words to me and I CHOSE TO BELIEVE IT!!! This is the key. It doesn’t matter what anyone would have said, but I chose to believe and so I carried this belief for many, many years and well into my 40′s.
It wasn’t until I was sitting quietly in reflection that I really heard those words.  In that moment I had to decide: Am I going to continue sabotaging myself or am I going to choose words that are more appropriate and affirming? Are these words that I would say to anyone else? NO, definitely NOT!! So, why was I continuing to believe this about myself? It was a crucial moment in my life!
My choice in that moment was to find an alternative thought. It was so hard to look at myself in the mirror and have a loving thought! In my mind, this was virgin territory.  I cried.  I actually felt horrible knowing that I had treated myself this way for so long! So, I stood there and I looked into my own eyes and I had to tell myself, “I am lovable! I am worthy of love and I deserve to be loved! Yes, I DESERVE LOVE!!”  I had to sit there and say it out loud over and over!
I was currently reading “You Can HEAL your LIFE” by Louise Hay (available through my store here).  These are some of the techniques that she encourages in this famous book of hers. I have frequently referred this book to many women who have been clients, friends and family members. Words are so powerful! They can cause pain and they can HEAL us! (If you resonate with my story then please add a gift to your life by purchasing this book for yourself NOW!)
That moment was crucial, but it was just the beginning because I had to continue to remind myself to change that thought whenever I heard it in my head! Because it was such a strong belief for me, I intuitively knew that I didn’t always hear it because it was embedded so deeply in my brain that I wasn’t always aware of when I was thinking it! Seriously, it took a lot of work!
I will share another powerful truth related to this. In the past, if I was dating a man or in conversation with someone and they would compliment me, telling me how wonderful, smart, sexy or brilliant I was, it was difficult for me to accept the compliment.  I knew I had to start allowing people to compliment me and accept the compliment.  I started by simply saying “thank you” without offering a compliment in return. I needed to learn how to ALLOW this form of LOVE into my life! And once I did, I started to feel beautiful! I was feeling beautiful and I was beginning to actually see a beautiful woman when I looked in the mirror! I was looking into my eyes and seeing my beauty, I wasn’t looking at my body at all! My body is there and yes, as a woman, I still want to look sexier, younger and hot. But the truth is that is what keeps me motivated to try and live a healthier lifestyle. I am concerned about my physical body because it represents health and vitality. It is an ongoing, never ending journey to work on my health!
In my line of work as a sexual intimacy lifestyle expert (www.tammeronsplace.com), I see that negative thought patterns play a huge role in our self esteem and confidence.  Helping my clients change those negative thought patterns is an integral aspect of many of my consultations, workshops and events.  The core issue of our sexuality is our beliefs and feeling about ourselves.  The most common pattern that shows up for women is “I am NOT SEXY AND HOT ENOUGH” and for many men it shows up as “I am NOT GOOD ENOUGH”.  So, as I continue to help women and couples undo their negative thought patterns, they begin to see a wonderful opportunity to develop a healthier, happier sex life and indulge in a sexual fantasy or two!  It really is a beautiful journey to learn and move forward in our lives. And that journey can begin with uncovering your own negative thoughts so you can choose more powerful, loving, and affirming thoughts!

Why not take 2 minutes RIGHT now, and see if I can offer you support by participating in my FREE Intimacy Quiz!

Cheers Tammeron

 

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission from the author.

Author
Contributor

Explore YourTango