We all have parts of our past that still haunt us. Don't pass that haunting onto your children.
Remember the mantra we used to say as kids to ward off bullies? "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" Remembering this mantra alone, brings back childhood memories.
And, nothing has been further from the truth. Broken bones mend and heal. Words regurgitate. They blow round and round in our minds and tied to them is the emotion we felt when we heard them so each time we have even the faintest memory of those words, we are instantly brought back, emotion intact, to relive it as if it's happening in the present. We experience childhood memories.
When we are being bullied or feel threatened, we are scared. Fear instantly puts us into trance. When in trance, we bypass the conscious filters that could reject the words. The words go directly into the subconscious mind as truth.
This is a double negative for an adopted child as they already have inherent challenges. Add to those challenges hurtful words and they compound in the child's mind and in their reality.
Childhood memories turn into auto programming.
We become haunted by these words any time we are in a situation that slightly reminds us of the moment the program got installed.
I was at a dinner party recently with some friends. One friend said something to another in an innocent conversation that struck an emotion with me. I heard those words, and my mind was like a tunnel. In that moment I felt a surge of emotion and mental distress and it had felt like I tunneled back to a time in my childhood when those words were directed at me.
In an instant I was a hurt little girl again. Remembering the surroundings and feeling her pain.
I had to quickly get out of that state because I was at a social function. The night went on, and it wasn't until the next day that memory came back. It winded me. Then I went from that memory and I dragged in other emotional events to compound the sadness. I then became overwhelmed with emotion and felt very small.
Childhood memories - a few things to consider:
We are in charge of our state at all times. Notice while at the party I had to make a conscious decision to change my state and not go deep into it because I was at a social function. Also notice when alone the next day, I allowed myself to get sucked into it and that caused unnecessary suffering.
Even the simplest words could be a trigger to someone so my point is, do not judge. We cannot ever know what those words will be and we certainly can't monitor everything we say to please everyone we're with.
What we can do is respect that if someone has reacted to something we said, it is about them, not you. And we ought to respect that. We do not know what childhood memories have come up for them nor what they have been through.
You could also choose to challenge the thought/childhood memory which has become a belief about yourself. Allow yourself to feel it, follow it to it's core and give it a voice. Once it has spoken, allow it to move on.
Thank it for the awareness of the need to be heard and healed, and send it off to be purified. You can do that. That is what imagination is for and remember, the subconscious does not know the difference between reality and pretend. It believes what you accept as truth. Letting things go this way will become a reality when you let it.
Getting things right
It's bad enough working in environments that don't support healthy growth, it's worse when we say things to our children that will serve to haunt them all through their years. We won't know exactly what it is we say that will stick with them but we won't have to worry if we are respectful and consider how we like to be spoken to.
At the end of the day, we are all still children walking around in grown bodies.
Suzanne works with prospective adoptive couples who have unresolved issues surrounding their childhood that will cloud their ability to parent. She helps them to be confident, loving parents to their child, and provide an environment where the child thrives. Reach out to her here for a free 'Confident Loving Parent' breakthrough session. You can also check out her free E-book, 9 (Little Known) Factors That Could Affect Your Adopted Babies Mental Health And What You Can Do To Prevent It.
This article was originally published at SuzieQSolutions. Reprinted with permission from the author.