6 Rules For Being Kinky — Without Losing Self-Respect

Buzz, Love

Being adventurous is great, but there's a line between what's healthy and what's not.

This is not a movie review.

If you've seen the Fifty Shades of Grey movie or read the novels, you undoubtedly have your own opinion of them. Maybe they've awakened in you a new yearning for kinky sex or maybe they’re not to your liking.

Even if you've chosen not to partake of the tale of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey, you've probably not been able to avoid references to what has become a cultural phenomenon (love it or hate it).

You can purchase Fifty Shades of Grey sex toys, but also Fifty Shades-inspired wine, nail polish, jewelry and even a teddy bear complete with handcuffs and a mask.

There's nothing wrong with capitalizing on what's popular, and there's nothing wrong with wanting more excitement in the bedroom with your partner. There's also nothing wrong with role play, experiments with dominance and submission or the use of sex toys.

Potential problems can develop, however, when these things stand in the way of healthy intimacy and connection.

At a time when domestic violence and rape continue to occur all too frequently, it's important to be aware of the line between what's healthy and what's not.

It is estimated that one in four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. Statistics also show that the majority of rape survivors were in intimate relationships with the man who raped them.

No matter how much you love your partner and want your relationship to last, be on the lookout for indications that the "naughty fun" you've been having is actually harmful to you (or to your partner).  

Signs that the relationship games you and your partner play aren't healthy:

  • You haven't explicitly agreed to the BDSM (dominance/submission).
  • You don't have a "safe word" or signal to indicate when you want to stop the game.
  • You feel threatened (physically or verbally) or manipulated to participate.
  • Your partner carries aspects of the BDSM into other areas of your life.
  • Your partner starts telling you what you can do and who you can spend time with.
  • You begin to doubt yourself, your worth or your ability to make your own decisions.
  • It doesn't feel good to you anymore (or never has).

Does this mean you can't be adventurous in the bedroom? Of course not!

Just because you decide to only engage in healthy lovemaking and relationship habits, it doesn't mean you're doomed to bland, boring and monotonous sex. You can actually share even more passionate and exciting intimacy with one another when you do so in ways that bring you closer together.

6 ways to increase passion without losing self-respect:

1. Make Passion A Priority.

You cannot and will not have the kind of red hot relationship you're craving if you let the rest of your busy life take over the time, energy or space for passion.

It may feel boring to schedule passion in your calendar, but do it anyway. What you and your partner choose to do during that time together can be anything BUT boring.

2. Build Anticipation.

Send flirty texts, write sultry love notes, give lingering kisses and do whatever you can to build up anticipation for what's going to happen when you two are alone together.

Think of this as prolonged foreplay that utilizes words, looks, non-sexual and sexual touches and whatever else your creative mind comes up with.

3. Talk About What You Like.

It can be a form of prolonged foreplay to tell your partner what turns you on and what feels good (and also what doesn't).

Don't expect him or her to be a mind reader! Talk specifics about your lovemaking and be sure to bring up what you'd like to try.

4. Take Turns.

Whether you and your partner are experimenting with dominance and submission or anything else, make sure you're mixing things up and that you take turns. Don't always play the same role when you're intimate with another, and this includes which of you initiates sex.

5. Step Out Of Your Comfort Zone.

If you want more passion in your relationship, you're probably going to have to get a little bit uncomfortable.

This means something different for everybody. For you, maybe stepping out of your comfort zone involves telling your partner which position you enjoy the most when you two make love, dressing up in an enticing costume or incorporating sex toys.

Keep checking in with yourself to make sure that any discomfort isn't coming from feeling disrespected or devalued in some way.

6. Appreciate Often And From The Heart.

A prerequisite for more passion (and more healthy connection) in your relationship is appreciation.

As un-sexy as it sounds, a genuinely spoken "Thank you" or "I'm grateful that you're in my life" forms a foundation upon which the kind of excitement you've been wanting can easily spring.

Don't believe the lie that once you reach "a certain age" a sexy and passionate relationship is impossible. This is simply NOT true! Women over 50 can (and plenty do) enjoy exciting and fulfilling intimacy with their partner and you can too. Click here to jumpstart passion and red hot sex, even if you’re 50, 60 or older!


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