How to find your perfect partner...even when it seems impossible.
Jennifer is frustrated and depressed. She is tired of being single and all of the games that go along with dating. She is SO over spending her time with narcissists, liars, cheaters and weirdos.
What Jennifer wants most of all is to meet and fall in love with a completely normal guy. More than anything, she wants to be in a relationship with a guy who has a job, keeps his word and knows how to talk and be with a woman. She wants someone who will treat her with respect and who will let her know that she really matters.
Unfortunately, Jennifer believes that there is no such thing as a normal guy. She's just not seeing evidence that this kind of man exists! She is starting to think that she'll have to settle with the best she can get and put up with whatever guy she can find...or come to terms with forever being single.
If you've been through more than your share of horrible dates or painful relationships, it might seem to you that the kind of love you're looking for is impossible. It may appear that “all of the good ones are taken” or that there aren't any “normal” men or women out there to begin with.
This can sound very jaded and you might not feel like this all of the time, but some of time perhaps you do.
If you're single and you would like to be in a close, connected and healthy relationship (for once), then maybe you're struggling the way that Jennifer is. It could be that you doubt that the kind of partner you want exists or possibly you might worry that you're unworthy of attracting the love you desire.
The first thing we're going to say to you is this...
YES! You DO deserve to have the kind of relationship you want AND that kind of partner and relationship are possible. There ARE plenty of “normal” guys and women out there and your challenge is to remove the obstacles that are standing between you and your dream relationship.
Pay attention to your expectations.
Every single one of us has expectations. This is just part of being human. If you've had quite a few similar experiences, it's natural that you're going to start expecting that aspect of your life to be that way. Even one intense, painful or upsetting experience can stick with you and influence your expectations.
This is especially true when it comes to relationships.
It is common for men to believe that women will be a certain way and it's just as common for women to expect men to be a particular way. Our expectations largely determine how we'll act and react to other people and in certain situations.
Start to listen more closely to yourself. What are your usual thoughts about men, women, dating and relationships? What are some common words you use to describe these same topics?
This will clue you in to your expectations. If you notice that your expectations tend to be negative, pessimistic or hopeless, stop and question what you are thinking or saying. The best way to change an expectation is to interrupt it and question it.
Widen your gaze.
The more you can question your expectations, the easier it will be to widen your gaze. This is NOT about settling, by the way.
We encourage you to be choosy about the person you share your time and possibly your life with. We urge you to know clearly what you DO want. At the same time, we remind you to stay open.
If you have a tendency to only look at particular types of men or certain women as you survey your surroundings for a potential date, you're missing a lot. Some of the most amazing love relationships happen between two people who, on the surface, seem an unlikely pair.
Think about US Representative Dennis Kucinich and his wife Elizabeth Kucinich. She is far taller than he is. Some may say that she is far more attractive than he is too. There is also a significant age difference between the two. Yet, they've been married for over 7 years.
The point here is not to discount someone (or a type of person) just because you never dreamed you'd be in a relationship with _____. As you interact with others, really listen and get to know them. Don't make assumptions or discount another person just because he or she is not what you think you're looking for.
Notice how you feel and how piqued your interest is as you talk and do things with the other person. Let that be your guide and not a list of restrictions and rules you may have set.
Be a match for what you want.
If you're sure that there are no “normal” or ideal partners out there for you, it's time for you to back up and re-assess both your expectations and your approach. Keep questioning your beliefs and invite yourself to stay open for pleasant surprises in the form of a partner who might not look like what you envisioned.
At the same time, make sure that you are a match for the fabulous man or woman and relationship you truly want. Don't hold others to standards that you aren't striving for as well.
Sure. Nobody is perfect, but you can continue to grow and make changes that will make it easier for you to attract a partner who is just right for you. All of this takes practice but the results are well worth it!
Susie and Otto Collins are relationship coaches and authors who help couples communicate, connect and create the relationship they desire. Click here to get their free ebook, Passionate Heart-Lasting Love.