Should you scream and shout about your partner's affair?
By Susie & Otto Collins — Written on May 17, 2013
If your intention is to find a way to re-connect and repair your marriage, you’re going to want to come to communication with him or her as calm and clear as you can. This does NOT mean un-emotional or cold, by the way.
Use these 4 phrases to talk about how you feel and what you want for your future together...
“I feel _________.”
It’s helpful for your spouse to know the pain you feel because of his or her affair. The words “I feel” are a simple yet powerful statement of what’s true for you now. “I feel mad/sad/hurt/angry/betrayed/insecure/not enough/furious/pissed off....” This is not a time for pretending or putting on a “brave face;" be honest.
“I want to understand _________.”
If you feel the need to know why your partner cheated, instead of saying “How could you do this to me?” ask for help. Ask your partner to help you understand what motivated him or her to have an affair. Remember, understanding is very different from condoning or agreeing with what happened. You can choose to take this information and make some changes to your own habits.
“Are you willing to_________?”
Think of some specific ways that your partner can start to show that you can trust him or her again. Instead of making demands, find out if your spouse is truly willing to do these things. Create conscious agreements that will be kept.
“Here’s what I expect________.”
Especially when it comes to knowing that the affair has really ended, you might want to set some boundaries and ask for proof. A boundary can be set in a healthy way that strengthens trust and moves you two closer together again. Make sure you are specific and reasonable as you state your expectations and then watch for signs that he or she is following through.
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