ProConnect

What’s “Normal” in Your Relationship?

By

What’s “Normal” in Your Relationship?
Why comparing your sex life with others is a bad idea...

“Is that normal?”

This question has popped out of just about everyone’s mouth at one point or another. If you’re married or in a love relationship, you may have asked your closest friend or silently wondered this.

More from YourTango: 4 Questions You Wish You Never Asked Your Partner

What’s normal in a relationship-- and what’s not-- is the subject of a new book called The Normal Bar by Chrisana Northrup, Pepper Schwartz and James Witte. It’s filled with advice and  trends among couples on a variety of topics... including how often they have sex.

According to The Normal Bar’s authors, 40 percent of couples surveyed say they have sex three or four times a week. When you read a statistic like this, it might elicit a strong response. If you and your partner fall in that range, you probably feel reassured. If you two don’t have sex that often, then maybe you start to worry. If you have sex more than three or four times a week, maybe you feel proud and grateful or possibly you are concerned and ask yourself...

“Are we normal?!” 

No matter how alternative each of us thinks we are, to fall outside what is said to be the “norm” can cause concern. The underlying question of “Is that normal?” is “What’s gone wrong?”

There is an assumption that if your sex life does not fall in the “normal” range, there is something potentially dangerous going on. Having less frequent sex “has” to mean that there isn’t attraction, that you and your partner have drifted apart or that one of you is having an affair, doesn’t it?!

Not necessarily.

We don’t think the authors of this book are trying to make anyone wrong! In fact, their stated intention is to help people improve their relationship and be happier.

It’s important to recognize when you’re comparing yourself and your relationship to others and making a pronouncement that either things are “good” or “bad” because of what you think you see. This is not a healthy or helpful habit if you want more connection and intimacy in your own relationship.

When you compare, it’s likely that you’re going to perceive another person’s relationship or even what’s “normal” incorrectly. There’s a lot of the picture that you’re not getting!

More from YourTango: 4 Game Changers for a Happier Marriage

Studies sometimes reflect what’s going on for only a small slice of a particular population. Circumstances might be very different for those surveyed than what is going on in your life. When you see a “blissfully in love” couple walking down the street and deem your relationship to be lacking in comparison, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and pain. Who knows what is true for this couple most of the time.

Honor what’s “normal” for you.

Share this with someone you love (or even like a lot)!

Let's make it
FB official
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Susie & Otto Collins

Author

Susie and Otto Collins are relationship coaches and authors who help couples communicate, connect and create the passionate relationships they desire.



 

Location: Columbus, OH
Credentials: BS, CCC
Specialties: Communication Problems, Couples/Marital Issues
Other Articles/News by Susie & Otto Collins:

4 Questions You Wish You Never Asked Your Partner

By

If you've ever asked yourself the question: "Was it something I said?" chances are, it was. Communication with your spouse or partner can be a tricky business. You may have the best intentions and only want your beloved to move closer to you, but the way you choose to tell your truth and say whatever is on your mind can unintentionally cause ... Read more

4 Game Changers for a Happier Marriage

By

This year’s NCAA basketball tournament is nearing its exciting finish. If you’ve been following your favorite team to see who’s best at college basketball and hoping your bracket picks survive and win, you’ve probably been watching a lot of hoops. You’ve probably noticed something about these adrenaline-rush games... There ... Read more

How Pushy Is TOO Pushy?

By

Without a doubt, one of the most infuriating things in a relationship is when your guy gets quiet and won’t talk. You know he had a bad day and he refuses to talk about it. His response is, “I’m fine,” when you ask. Or you’re sure he’s angry because of something you did, but he won’t talk about it. You can almost ... Read more

See More

Recent Expert Posts
Girlfriends

6 Texting Shockers You Must Avoid!

Sending your man a text message sounds easy enough, but get it wrong and it could be the end of you.

Blues

The addiction to "busy"ness: How to live with more intention

Is the daily routine of life getting you down? Find your passion and live a more authentic life!

Crazy

Guide to Becoming a Soulfull Woman Understand Your Beliefs

Once you understand where your beliefs about yourself came from, you determine what's really YOU

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Resources
How to find the right pro for you
10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

YourTango Experts can help your business go from good to great.

10 Steps To Improve Your Coaching Business

Take your coaching business from mediocre to great in no time…

Frequently Asked Questions About YourTango Experts

Thinking of joining? Here's all the facts you need to know to make the most of your membership.

Getting Your Guy To Join You In A Therapy Or Coaching Session

So how can your get your strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to an Expert with you?

Therapist/Counselors: Who We Are & What We Do

What exactly does a therapist/counselor do and can they really help?

See more resources>
HOT STUFF!
FROM OUR PARTNERS