Expert Blog Compelling advice, stories, and thought-provoking perspectives straight from YourTango's lineup of Experts to you

"Should We Make Up?"


Post-Blow Up Relationship Advice

Kristin and Mike have had another huge and explosive fight.

Both were irritable and had just ended long weeks at their jobs. A disagreement between them escalated into name calling, shouting and even things being thrown-- a glass was hurled at the wall in rage.

Mike threw a few of his things in a bag and said he was going to move out. He told her that he is done with her and is going to his brother's house. After that, he stormed out the door.

This isn't the first time that Mike has declared that he is moving out and breaking up with her. This isn't the first time that they've had such a blow up that both ended up wondering if they would make up.

As Kristin swept up the remains of broken glass from the floor, she thought about what she might say to Mike tomorrow to mend the damage of their big fight. She also asked herself if maybe, this time, they should just stay broken up.

If you and your partner have had a blow up-kind of argument in which one (or both) of you declared that you were breaking up, you may be wondering some of the same things as Kristin is.

Perhaps you are the one who-- in anger and frustration-- packed up your things and walked out the door. Maybe your partner is the one who said “we're through.”

In either situation, you may feel the urge to go to your mate and try to apologize, to express your forgiveness or to let him or her know that you want to restore your connection and relationship.

You might be fearful about what staying broken up will be like. You may be already missing your partner and wishing that you could do-over the events that led to the blow up.

Ultimately, when you are in a raw and difficult emotional place like this, you might also be asking yourself this question...

“Should we get back together again?”

If you are trying to make the important decision about whether or not to stay in your relationship-- to let the break up continue-- we encourage you to be as honest and clear with yourself as you can be.

Ask yourself these 3 questions as make your choice about whether or not you will make up with your partner...

#1: “Is my heart in it?”

Sometimes, a couple will fight, break up and get back together again over and over and over. In some cases, they go through this emotional roller coaster because that's “just what they do.” For whatever reason, they both feel stuck in this cycle of turmoil and they continue to reunite even though neither of them really feels strongly about doing so.

If you really listen to yourself and what you truly want, is your heart in this relationship? Sure, you may care about your partner. But, are you motivated by love or, instead, does it seem like you “have to” or “should” get back together again?

Feelings-- especially when you've been with a person for a long period of time-- can be murky and confusing. It can be difficult to really know how you feel and what you want.

Give yourself the time to really get clear about what that is and where you heart is leading you.

#2: “Is it in my best interest to reunite?”

Another place to gain deeper insight after a blow up is to consider the difference between what you want and what is in your best interest.

Sure, you may still love your partner. You might feel sad and even panicked at the thought of you two no longer (and permanently) being in a relationship together.

Acknowledge those feelings AND ask yourself if it is wise to reunite.

The wisdom (or lack of it) in getting back together again is not something that has absolute rules or guidelines.

If there is abuse of any kind or addiction, be sure to take that into consideration. If you or your children are being harmed by your partner, please secure your (and their) safety as you fully think about how wise (or unwise) it is to reunite.

#3: “Is there a willingness to grow?”

Another helpful question to ask yourself centers on the potential for growth. You can't know what your partner is going to do. In some respects, you can't know with 100% certainty what you're going to do in the future.

However, there are signs that indicate a willingness-- or unwillingness-- to grow. Pay attention to those signs both in your own actions and in your partner's actions.

Emphasize what you and your partner are (and have been) doing instead of what you each have been saying. Remember the old maxim that “actions speak louder than words.”

At the same time, there might be a willingness to grow in you and your partner even if one or both of you have made big mistakes and acted hurtfully.

What you want to be on the lookout for are things openness to really listen to each other, an honesty about expressing how you each are feeling, the ability to take ownership for each of your roles in the disconnecting dynamic that's going on.

Watch for improvements in how open, honest and willing to try something new that may potentially help your relationship. Things like this can indicate a willingness to grow.

Be patient and kind to yourself as you take steps to make the wisest and most informed decision about your future that you can.
For help making this important decision about whether or not to stay in your relationship, click here for Susie and Otto Collins' free report: "5 Biggest Mistakes People Make When Deciding Whether to Stay In or Leave a Relationship."

Explore YourTango