My Lips Are Sealed

By

My Lips Are Sealed
Is it okay to keep "little" secrets in your relationship?

Oh, the secrets we keep...even from the one we love most.

Especially from the one we love most.

You might be under the impression that there's nothing wrong with keeping a few secrets. It may even be a conscious decision for you. After all, you don't want to reveal too much too soon about yourself while you're dating. Even in a long-term relationship, staying a bit mysterious may be one of your strategies for keeping passion alive.

You could also be keeping secrets to avoid rocking the boat or possibly even as as way to keep your relationship intact. You may leave out certain details when telling your jealous partner about your day-- and who you had lunch with. You might hide away aspects of your past or even your current private life because you worry about how your partner will react if he or she finds out.

When the subject of “keeping secrets” comes up, cheating and affairs come to mind. True, infidelity is one BIG thing that some people keep secrets about. It's probably clear to you that not only keeping a secret about cheating, but having an affair in the first place is detrimental to your love relationship or marriage.

The betrayal is two-fold. Not only is the cheating itself a crushing blow, the continued lying and cover-ups about it only add more pain to a painful situation.

But, if you believe that keeping “little” secrets about anything other than infidelity is okay, think again. Even those moments when you lie or alter facts that seem like no big deal, really can become a big deal.

Keeping secrets-- even those that seem small and insignificant-- can seriously damage relationship trust. As careful as you think you're being, the truth is bound to come out. When it does, your partner will look at you differently. He or she will wonder what else you are hiding.

There are many different names that people use for their secret-keeping:

-- Withholding information.

-- Telling “white lies.”

-- Pretending about true thoughts, opinions and feelings.

-- Sharing partial facts (or no facts) to prevent a fight or to save face.

-- Keeping your lips “sealed” and remaining silent.

There's no denying it...

Secrets take you further away from the one you love.

When you're tempted to keep a secret...

Stop and really think it through first. There are times when it's easier, more comfortable and maybe even seems kinder to withhold the truth from your partner. Take a moment to ask yourself whether the initial “benefits” are worth the probable damage of keeping that secret.

Get clear within yourself first about why you feel like you have to keep secrets.

There might be dynamics between you and your partner that make it seem unsafe for you to be completely honest with him or her. Jealousy and anger are two common examples. If you're afraid that your partner will explode because you did ______, this is something to pay attention to.

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Susie & Otto Collins

Author

Susie and Otto Collins are relationship coaches and authors who help couples communicate, connect and create the passionate relationships they desire.



 

Location: Columbus, OH
Credentials: BS, CCC
Specialties: Communication Problems, Couples/Marital Issues
Other Articles/News by Susie & Otto Collins:

Stress And The State Of Your Relationship

By

Unfortunately, we Americans have become “accomplished” at creating stressful lives for ourselves. A recent nationwide stress survey conducted by NPR, the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, and the Harvard School of Medicine asked people how stressed they've been lately and what they do when they're stressed out. Researchers for this study found ... Read more

Can't Trust Because Of Your Ex?

By

You don't trust your partner and there's no good reason for it. You know this, but you can't seem to change it. You check his phone. You shadow her to keep her "safe from creeps." You're constantly anxious and afraid that your partner will cheat... Even though there's no evidence to support your fears. You ... Read more

How Far Is Too Far to Bend?

By

What's the cost of keeping the peace in your relationship? If you've ever had an argument or tense stand-off with the one you love, ask yourself how flexible you should (or shouldn't) be and your answer largely depends on your conflict comfort level. If you're used to shouting it out and defending your "side," then flexibility may seem ... Read more

See More

GET MORE ARTICLES LIKE THIS IN YOUR INBOX!

Sign up for our daily email and get the stories everyone is talking about.

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Stories we love
FROM AROUND THE WEB