Why Men Are Settling For Mrs. Good Enough

to the YourTango newsletter!

FIND AN EXPERT
Advanced SearchKimberly SeltzerDr. Erica  GoodstoneJennifer Chappell Marsh MFT Intern #65184
ProConnect

My Lips Are Sealed

By . Posted on .

My Lips Are Sealed
Is it okay to keep "little" secrets in your relationship?

Oh, the secrets we keep...even from the one we love most.

Especially from the one we love most.

You might be under the impression that there's nothing wrong with keeping a few secrets. It may even be a conscious decision for you. After all, you don't want to reveal too much too soon about yourself while you're dating. Even in a long-term relationship, staying a bit mysterious may be one of your strategies for keeping passion alive.

You could also be keeping secrets to avoid rocking the boat or possibly even as as way to keep your relationship intact. You may leave out certain details when telling your jealous partner about your day-- and who you had lunch with. You might hide away aspects of your past or even your current private life because you worry about how your partner will react if he or she finds out.

When the subject of “keeping secrets” comes up, cheating and affairs come to mind. True, infidelity is one BIG thing that some people keep secrets about. It's probably clear to you that not only keeping a secret about cheating, but having an affair in the first place is detrimental to your love relationship or marriage.

The betrayal is two-fold. Not only is the cheating itself a crushing blow, the continued lying and cover-ups about it only add more pain to a painful situation.

But, if you believe that keeping “little” secrets about anything other than infidelity is okay, think again. Even those moments when you lie or alter facts that seem like no big deal, really can become a big deal.

Keeping secrets-- even those that seem small and insignificant-- can seriously damage relationship trust. As careful as you think you're being, the truth is bound to come out. When it does, your partner will look at you differently. He or she will wonder what else you are hiding.

There are many different names that people use for their secret-keeping:

-- Withholding information.

-- Telling “white lies.”

-- Pretending about true thoughts, opinions and feelings.

-- Sharing partial facts (or no facts) to prevent a fight or to save face.

-- Keeping your lips “sealed” and remaining silent.

There's no denying it...

Secrets take you further away from the one you love.

When you're tempted to keep a secret...

Stop and really think it through first. There are times when it's easier, more comfortable and maybe even seems kinder to withhold the truth from your partner. Take a moment to ask yourself whether the initial “benefits” are worth the probable damage of keeping that secret.

Get clear within yourself first about why you feel like you have to keep secrets.

There might be dynamics between you and your partner that make it seem unsafe for you to be completely honest with him or her. Jealousy and anger are two common examples. If you're afraid that your partner will explode because you did ______, this is something to pay attention to.

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Susie And Otto Collins

Author, Dating Coach, Divorce Coach, Life Coach, Relationship Coach, Sex Coach, YourTango Expert Partner

Susie and Otto Collins are relationship coaches and authors who help couples communicate, connect and create the passionate relationships they desire.

Visit http://www.relationshipgold.com to get their free ebook: Passionate Spark- Lasting Love as well as access to free articles and resources to help you improve your love relationship or marriage.

Location: Columbus, OH
Credentials: Other
Specialties: Communication Problems, Couples/Marital Issues
Other Articles/News by Susie and Otto Collins:

Are You Facebooking Your Way to an Affair?

By

If it feels like social networking sites, like Facebook and Twitter, are ruining your relationship, you're not alone. New technology brings greater ease in communication and connecting. There are no borders and few boundaries. A person on one side of the world can have a very intimate and private interaction with someone on the other side of the world ... Read more

3 Ways to Open to Intimacy when You're an Abuse Survivor

By

It happened again. Gwen and her husband, Paul, were snuggling on the couch. The kids were in bed and they finally had a few moments to be alone together. It felt so warm and comfortable for Gwen to be in Paul's arms. He stroked her back and they began to kiss-- affectionately at first and then with increasing passion. As the intensity of their ... Read more

What's on Your Relationship Bucket List?

By

Alex was badly shaken up when one of her co-workers unexpectedly lost her husband in a freak accident. She feels sad for the other woman's loss and is now re-evaluating her own relationship too. Watching the grief and regret that her co-worker is struggling with has put into perspective the petty disagreements and hard feelings that are between Alex and ... Read more

See More

Recent Expert Posts
Press Conference

DeMistyfy Your Dating: Radio Interview: [EXPERT]

And yes, we spelled it that way for a reason! Listen to this humorous interview of Spike and learn!

Running Woman

Post-Divorce Growth…After They Go, Grow [EXPERT]

Identify your positive changes post-divorce. Make it a growth experience!

No Love

Married and Fighting? It May Signify a Solid Relationship

Married couples can be too harmonious. Find out how much discord creates dynamic relationships.

Have a dating or relationship question?
Ask it here and one of our experts will answer it.

Resources
How to find the right pro for you
10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

YourTango Experts can help your business go from good to great.

10 Steps To Improve Your Coaching Business

Take your coaching business from mediocre to great in no time…

Frequently Asked Questions About YourTango Experts

Thinking of joining? Here's all the facts you need to know to make the most of your membership.

Getting Your Guy To Join You In A Therapy Or Coaching Session

So how can your get your strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to an Expert with you?

Therapist/Counselors: Who We Are & What We Do

What exactly does a therapist/counselor do and can they really help?

See more resources>
FROM OUR PARTNERS