"My Jealous Partner Spies on Me!"

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"My Jealous Partner Spies on Me!"
You've made amends for your lying or affair, but your partner is still jealous...

When you're trying to build- or rebuild- trust in your love relationship or marriage, how far should you have to go? Is there a way to be transparent enough so that your partner won't spy?

If your partner is jealous no matter what you do, what steps can you take to improve the situation?

These questions may rumble through your mind-- especially if you live with a jealous partner. Nobody likes to be spied on or mistrusted. And it is probably frustrating, to put it mildly, when you feel like you're being honest and up-front and your mate continues to suspiciously look for evidence that you cheated, lied or otherwise betrayed him or her.

On the other hand, nobody likes to feel mistrust. When we envision having a love relationship, probably everyone takes it for granted that there will be a sure and confident feeling that your partner will follow through on agreements-- especially agreements to be monogamous. When infidelity or another breaking of agreements happens, that vision is damaged along with trust in the relationship.

Perhaps you had an affair and are trying very hard to make amends and repair trust between yourself and your mate. You feel like you are open about where you go and who you are with when your partner is not around. You might also be working to tune in to your needs and communicate them with your mate as you listen to what he or she needs as well. These are all great steps to take in rebuilding trust.

But having taken these steps to repair and rebuild trust, you might feel frustrated and even hurt to discover that your partner is spying on you! Maybe you catch him or her checking the calls on your personal cell phone. Or your mate might have even admitted that he or she read your e-mail on your individual account. You may even hear that your partner has been questioning your co-workers to “check up on your story.”

A part of you can understand why your partner is spying, but it still doesn't feel good to you. These actions certainly don't make you feel closer to your partner!

While you can't erase doubt and jealousy or any belief or emotion at all for another person, you can pay closer attention to your own expectations and actions. When jealous fears lead your mate to spy on you, no matter what has happened in the past, you can choose to turn toward healing and renewed trust.

Be clear and transparent.

You are the one who best knows the degree to which you are keeping your word and the agreements you made with your partner.

When you feel wrongly accused or you discover that you are being spied on, take some solace in the fact that you know you have nothing to hide. Allow yourself a few moments to feel good about yourself. Even if you cheated in the past, focus in on this moment and the knowledge that you are trustable.

From this feeling and energy, be clear and as transparent as you can be with your partner. Let him or her know that you are willing to answer any questions that may arise and that you will clarify any confusions. Make yourself available as a source of information.

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Susie & Otto Collins

Author

Susie and Otto Collins are relationship coaches and authors who help couples communicate, connect and create the passionate relationships they desire.



 

Location: Columbus, OH
Credentials: BS, CCC
Specialties: Communication Problems, Couples/Marital Issues
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