Is It Time to Get a Second Opinion to Save Your Marriage?

By

Is It Time to Get a Second Opinion to Save Your Marriage?
When it's time for outside advice for your marital troubles who should you turn to?

You've pretended that the problems weren't there. You've thought and thought about the troubles in your marriage searching for a solution. You've talked and maybe even argued with your partner about this challenge you face.

Maybe you two have stopped talking about your marital problem because it feels too big and impossible to deal with.

You might be wondering if it's time to get an outsider's opinion.

It can truly be transformative to be offered a different perspective of a conflict or difficult situation. The one who is not entrenched-- as you and your spouse are-- can usually see possible solutions that neither of you were aware of or considered doable.

A few signs that a second opinion might be helpful are...

-- Communication has broken down. The problem has become something you two incessantly argue about or it is the “elephant in the room.”

-- You feel like you've tried everything with no positive changes. Your problem may even seem like it's grown and become worse.

-- The conflict or issue feels like it's beyond your ability to fix. You feel helpless and frustrated.

-- There has been violence or abuse (from either or both of you).*

Getting a second opinion can be the key you and your partner need to start to turn around a bad situation that might even lead to divorce.

Unfortunately, getting a second opinion might get you further stuck and in conflict.

Here's why...

The first person that many of us turn to when we want advice is a friend, family member, neighbor or co-worker. It's only natural to confide in someone we trust and know well.

To even admit to a marital problem can feel embarrassing or vulnerable. It certainly takes courage to open up and ask someone for advice or help about a problem. It is understandable that the one you might choose to trust and turn to is someone close to you.

While your friend, family member, neighbor or co-worker might be a very wise and experienced person, relying solely or primarily upon his or her advice could be your biggest mistake. This person whom you are close to could have your best interests at heart, yet the advice might keep you embroiled in conflict with your partner.

Especially if your confidante has had a similar challenge in his or her relationship, the perspective you receive may be skewed. In a case like this, the advice you receive may be accurate for what your friend went through, but it might not be accurate for your situation.

Because this person is close to you, it's probable that he or she will be more biased toward your “side” in the conflict. This means that you could hear some of the angry, righteous thoughts you've been having coming from the mouth of your family member. The negativity only gets reinforced.

Again, we don't doubt that your friend, family member, neighbor or co-worker has valuable insights and cares a lot about you. We encourage you to keep in mind the biases that come with advice you get from someone you are close to, however.

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Susie & Otto Collins

Author

Susie and Otto Collins are relationship coaches and authors who help couples communicate, connect and create the passionate relationships they desire.



 

Location: Columbus, OH
Credentials: BS, CCC
Specialties: Communication Problems, Couples/Marital Issues
Other Articles/News by Susie & Otto Collins:

8 Reasons Why You Should Have More Sex If You're Over 50

By

Aging can be a pretty serious business...but it doesn't have to be! It's inevitable that changes happen in your life and your body as you get older. Kids grow up and start having kids of their own. You retire or get closer to retirement. These are just two radical departures from what you've known, and there are more. Your body changes. Signs of ... Read more

3 Ways Your 'Better Half' Is Ruining Your Relationship

By

"Cheers to the perfect couple!" Heart-felt words like these can actually doom a relationship. Did you know that your well-meaning congratulations to a new couple could solidify dangerous myths about love? Beliefs about relationships were the focus of a recent study conducted by researchers at the University of Toronto and the results ... Read more

What To Do When You Feel Needy

By

It is a rare person who hasn't ever felt needy. You know the feeling. The urge to know — in that moment — that the one you love is interested in you, cares about how you're doing, wants to spend time with you and genuinely loves you. You want some sign that you're special to your spouse or partner. What's emotionally painful about ... Read more

See More

PARTNER POSTS
Latest Expert Videos
Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Most Popular