Is It An Affair?


Is It An Affair?
What counts as an affair and what to do if you see the signs in your relationship.

Pay close attention to any inconsistencies between how your partner normally acts (or used to act) and how he or she acts now. If there are things that your mate says that just don't add up, notice this too.

Some people choose to spy by looking at their partner's email, social networking, banking and other accounts. We encourage you to get reliable information to clear up your questions, but we do not suggest you break the law. Find ways to gather facts that you won't later regret.

What to do if you find proof that your partner is having an affair...

Remind yourself of the stated agreements you and your partner have.

Too often, a couple runs into trouble and it's because they each have different expectations and rules. They've not had the courage or taken the time to sit down and talk about what they each expect. They operate under some pretty big assumptions.

Don't assume that you and your partner are monogamous if you've never explicitly talked about it. Don't expect your partner to maintain the kind of commitment to your relationship that is important to you if you've not communicated that.

Rarely is it ever too late for people to create clear and conscious agreements about what they each expect and want. Soon might be the time to create agreements with your partner.

As you move through this inquiry process, keep in mind the agreements that you and your partner have-- or don't have.

Strictly speaking, if you and your partner have never agreed to be monogamous and he or she is sexually or emotionally intimate with another person, this is not cheating. But, this doesn't mean that it is okay with you or that you aren't hurt by your partner's actions.

It also doesn't mean that you have to allow this behavior to continue. Have that uncomfortable conversation with your partner and make known your desire to be monogamous-- or whatever form of commitment you want. Listen to what your partner is willing or unwilling to agree to and make a decision from there.

This decision might be that it's wiser for you to end the relationship-- especially if your partner is not ready to agree to the kind of commitment that you want.

If you do have agreements to be monogamous and these are not being kept, this is your opportunity to choose. You get to choose whether or not you'll give your partner a second chance or whether it's best for you to leave the relationship.

If you choose to give a second chance, be clear and specific about what it will take for your partner to prove to you that he or she is trustable and is now keeping your agreements. Look for signs that positive changes are being made.
Susie and Otto Collins are relationship coaches and authors who help couples communicate, connect and create the relationship they desire.  Click here to get their free mini-course to help rebuild trust after infidelity.



Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Susie & Otto Collins


Susie and Otto Collins are relationship coaches and authors who help couples communicate, connect and create the passionate relationships they desire.


Location: Columbus, OH
Credentials: BS, CCC
Specialties: Communication Problems, Couples/Marital Issues
Other Articles/News by Susie & Otto Collins:

Keeping Score Kills Love: 5 Ways To Change This Dynamic


We've all been there. Your partner has put you off, let you down or totally messed up so many times, you have a running tally going and it only fuels your irritation and anger. One woman posted on Reddit a spreadsheet her husband actually created and sent to her that listed off every excuse she'd given him over the past month for not having sex. He ... Read more

Stress And The State Of Your Relationship


Unfortunately, we Americans have become “accomplished” at creating stressful lives for ourselves. A recent nationwide stress survey conducted by NPR, the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, and the Harvard School of Medicine asked people how stressed they've been lately and what they do when they're stressed out. Researchers for this study found ... Read more

Can't Trust Because Of Your Ex?


You don't trust your partner and there's no good reason for it. You know this, but you can't seem to change it. You check his phone. You shadow her to keep her "safe from creeps." You're constantly anxious and afraid that your partner will cheat... Even though there's no evidence to support your fears. You ... Read more

See More


Sign up for our daily email and get the stories everyone is talking about.

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.