Caroline would like to say that she is a trusting person, but she’s not. She can’t bring herself to trust one of the most important people in her life-- her own husband.
Before she met her husband Andy, she was in a nasty and painful relationship. Her ex stole money from her and cheated again and again and again. She had no idea about the affairs until one Christmas Eve when she discovered explicit phone messages on his phone. When Caroline finally left that relationship, she was nearly bankrupt and very heartbroken.
After that experience, Caroline promised herself that she'd never be taken advantage of and hurt like that again.
When she met Andy and got to know how honest and decent he is, she felt happy and grateful at first, but then her fears resurfaced. Unfortunately, no matter how many ways Andy shows Caroline that he is NOT her ex, she continues to doubt him and to feel jealous and suspicious.
She checks Andy’s phone when he is in the bathroom or in the garage. She feels guilty about spying, but it helps her keep at bay the gnawing fears that he will lie and cheat just like her ex did.The holidays are particularly difficult because that’s when she discovered the horrible truth about her ex.
So, even though she's never found anything suspicious on Andy’s phone, she’s been checking it almost every day as they get closer to Christmas.
Caroline tries to pretend that she’s not struggling, but it's hard.and Andy can tell how much she's holding back. It’s beginning to wear on him and their relationship. Caroline feels angry and ashamed-- she doesn’t want to ruin what they have.
This year for Christmas, she’s hoping for some kind of miracle: She wants to be able to trust again.
Trust is essential for a healthy and close relationship
Without trust, it’s nearly impossible to open up and let in the kind of intimacy and connection that allows love to thrive and grow. If you have a hard time trusting your partner, like Caroline, you might try to deny it or to hide your doubts and suspicions.
Because of what happened to you in the past-- or maybe what’s going on right now-- you can’t bring yourself to trust your partner and it’s likely that this shows. Mistrust comes out in many different ways-- it's not always about affairs and lying either. It can be subtle or more overt.
Your hesitation and outright mistrust are probably coming through in what you say and do when you’re with your partner. It might be jealousy, spying, interrogating questions or simply a certain emotional distance that you keep between the two of you that sends the strong message to your partner, “Stay away. I don’t trust you.”
Your partner might feel defensive or angry because he or she feels accused or somehow deficient and untrustworthy in your eyes. Your connection may become strained and contentious, even about "little" things. Distance between the two of you might build because you keep holding back and hesitating.
With weak or no trust, your relationship will suffer and possibly die.
Trust is that important.
Learning to trust is a gift you give yourself
Without trust, your ability to live a happy, peaceful and satisfied life will be compromised. At the root of mistrust is often weak or low trust in your own judgment. For this reason, we urge you to consciously begin to learn to trust again.
If a painful past experience is the reason why you don’t trust your partner, make healing and letting go of the past a top priority. Maybe you blame yourself for choosing to trust the person who let you down or betrayed you. If so, forgive yourself and acknowledge the ways that--at the time-- you did the best you could.
Renew your connection with yourself and your intuition. Your intuition is that deep, inner knowing that helps you distinguish between the guesses or stories you tell yourself that are not based on reliable information AND the information that you do need to pay close attention to.
It’s never wise to blindly trust and you are the one who makes the decision about whether or not to trust someone. As you re-connect with your intuition, you’ll begin to see that you can make decisions that are smart and that support you-- in fact, you already are.
The magic that happens when you have strong and healthy trust in yourself is that you are confident and certain-- even if you don't like what you have discovered. You listen to what you are being told from within and you make decisions based on that reliable information.
You will be more at peace because the inner conflict of constant doubt and fear will disappear. Your self esteem will improve as you feel more and more sure about your judgment and your ability to know what is good for you and what is not. You can more easily focus on creating the kind of life YOU most want instead of feeling helpless or like a victim.
Healing and letting go of the past to make room for healthy trust is a gift that you not only give yourself, but you give your relationship too.
Every time you pause to question a thought that pops into your head instead of lashing out in jealousy or suspicion is a gift that strengthens trust and your connection with your partner. Every time you let clear-thinking guide what you say and do, you open up to moving closer to the one you love.
This can make for a very joyful holiday!
Don't let mistrust and jealousy stand in the way of the love and connection you desire. Get Susie and Otto Collins' free 7 Jealousy-Stopping Secrets at www.nomorejealousy.com