Kelly first held her baby in her arms, she felt so blessed. Adding to the love and happiness that she already shared with her husband Chris was this little perfect being. Now, Kelly and Chris' first child is in kindergarten and their younger child is almost ready for pre-school. Neither Kelly nor Chris can believe how fast their kids have grown, and neither can understand how their marriage went from blissful to painful and belligerent. Kelly and Chris have the same argument over and over again. They try to shield their children from the conflict, but it's getting difficult to do that. At issue for Chris is that he feels neglected and taken for granted by Kelly. He loves their children deeply, but he wants more one-on-one time with Kelly — especially more time for sex . /node/159845 Kelly doesn't want to miss out on any precious moments with their children. They grow so fast! She also misses connecting with Chris and wants her marriage to thrive, and she ends up feeling torn between the two. Kelly feels like she has to choose between her husband and her children, and she is stressed out and angry a lot of the time. The decision to become parents is a big one, to say the least. Many couples consider the financial responsibilities that raising children entails, and many also ask themselves if they are emotionally ready to be parents . What takes a lot of couples by surprise is this sense that they have to choose to either be focused on their children or on one another and their relationship. This tug-of-war happens internally for most. It is not something that is obvious in the minds of parents or in their conversations. But, the effects of this impossible decision are very apparent. Maybe you're grappling with this too. You can see it on the tired face of your partner (and your own face in the mirror), as both of you feel neglected and taken for granted. You can hear it in your tone of voice when you're resentful or angry because you and your partner haven't made time for a date night in oh-so very long. More married advice from YourTango: /node/45236 /node/87899 /node/153444 You might also feel some guilt. Children are innocent and they should be the top priority ... right? We're here to take some of the burden off. We don't believe that you have to choose between your kids and your relationship. To escape this exhausting and heart-wrenching conundrum, shift your thinking. When you move beyond the dichotomy of "my kids or my marriage," there's a lot of room for everyone to feel loved, cared for and attended to ... even you! /node/158019 Remember these five reasons why you don't have to choose: 1. Your kids are more self-sufficient than you think. This one is not always easy for parents to believe. After all, your children may be very young or they may be shy or accident-prone. Be aware of the developmental limitations of where your children are right now, but do give them space to learn and grow and to be independent. It's actually very empowering for your child to make age-appropriate decisions and to do some things for him or herself. You can also give your child the opportunity to develop relationships with other adults you trust such as family members and friends. Guess what you can do during those times when your child is exploring independence ... you can connect with your partner! Even if it's a 10-minute talk that has nothing to do with kids or work or the house, make the most of that time. Even if it's a hug and kiss without having your kids on your mind or asking for your attention, be present and fully enjoy that. And, you can enjoy the proud smile on your child's face after doing something for him or herself. 2. Your spouse has his or her own life. It's helpful to remember that your partner is a unique individual with unique interests that aren't dependent on or associated with you. If your children really need your attention, know that your spouse can probably (maybe gladly) find something to do. As you sit and listen to the trials and tribulations of your teenager's day, know that your partner might be enjoying catching up on email or reading the newspaper. Yes, make sure that you set aside some time to connect with your partner, but do give your children your full attention when you are with them. Don't listen to your teenager distracted by worries that your partner will feel left out or ignored. 3. Believing you have to choose hurts everyone. When you tell yourself that you have to choose either your children or your partner as your top priority, everybody loses — especially you. Acknowledge your beliefs that may have come from childhood experiences, things your read online or advice from others. If you felt neglected by your parent when you were a child, you may have promised yourself that your own child would never feel the way you did. For this reason, you may consistently put your child's needs first all of the time — even when his or her needs aren't pressing. On the other hand, if you worry that your partner will cheat or leave you because you are focusing too much on your children, this fear and mistrust might cause you to attend mostly to your partner and be less present or available when with your children. Be honest with yourself and look at where your beliefs come from. 4. Needs are always changing . What's absolutely certain is that life is always in flux. Your spouse and your kids will all have ups and downs and they will turn to you for support, expressions of love, attention and guidance at different times. There may be a few occasions when there seem to be overlap, but usually the needs of others are going to be different. This means that if you stay tuned in both to yourself and to the ones you love , you'll know who most needs your help and attention at any one moment. And, please be sure to listen to what you need from you too. /node/158093 5. There's more than enough to go around. Behind the belief that you have to choose between your spouse and your kids is a sense of lack and limitation. A lot of us feel over-scheduled and overwhelmed by our lives, so it's understandable that you might believe that there's just not enough of you to go around. As a result, you think you have to make that impossible choice. Take regular time for your own self-care. Get quality sleep, drink plenty of water, exercise and pamper yourself too. Pay attention to how abundant your life is and know it can continue to be so. This will help you be at your best when your spouse and kids do need you, and it will help you know that there really is plenty of attention, care and love for all. Want to know how to create a close and connected love relationship or marriage? Visit www.relationshipgold.com to receive Susie and Otto's free ebook: Passionate Heart ~ Lasting Love.
![Your Husband Or Your Kids? Why Not Both? [EXPERT]](https://www.yourtango.com/sites/default/files/image_blog/ytfamily.jpg "Your Husband Or Your Kids? Why Not Both? [EXPERT]")