Photo: Elena karetnikova / Shutterstock
Whether you're introverted and shy or extroverted and confident, you can learn to flirt better.
By Susie & Otto Collins — Last updated on Aug 02, 2023
When you think about dating and attracting a partner, the word “flirting” is bound to come to mind. It’s a great way to get someone's attention and let him or her know that you're interested.
Flirting can be subtle or over-the-top. It can be cute, silly, or sexy.
And it can simply involve a look or talking in a particular way with certain words. Flirting might be the thing that draws whoever you've got your eye on to you, or it can fail miserably.
There is some risk with flirting.
Flirting can be a good way to communicate that you'd like to get to know the other person better and it can also be a big, embarrassing flop.
Have you ever tried to flirt with someone only to be made fun of, or totally ignored? If so, you might be hesitant to flirt. Your insecurity about your flirting skills could be keeping you alone and single when you don't want to be.
Flirting is a skill, and it tends to be easier for some than others.
If you are extroverted and confident, you might not see flirting as a big deal or all that difficult. But, if you are shy, often feel awkward, or are uncomfortable stepping out of your comfort zone, flirting is probably something you don't do very often. You should know that anyone can be a successful flirt.
Your way of flirting might look or sound different from someone else's way of flirting, but that doesn't mean you can't get the results you want, too. Isn't it time to stop telling yourself that you “can't” flirt and, instead, figure out how you can flirt and still be genuinely who you are?
Before we share techniques to help you flirt more effectively, remember this: Flirting is a powerful method for attracting a partner and with that power comes a need for caution.
Five things to keep in mind when it comes to flirting:
1. Make sure the other person is available.
There's nothing worse for your love life than to flirt with someone who is already in a committed relationship or who is out on a date that you're interrupting. Be aware of your surroundings and only flirt with those who are clearly available.
2. Make sure you are available.
If you're already with someone or you've promised to be monogamous with your partner, do not flirt with someone else. Flirting is not “no big deal” nor is it “innocent” if you're already in a relationship. In these cases, it's a trust-breaker.
3. Pay attention to power dynamics.
If you are in a position of authority over the person you are flirting with, it might be confusing and feel like you are pressuring the other person. Think about power dynamics and potential consequences before you flirt.
4. Only flirt when it’s appropriate.
The middle of a board meeting at work or during a parent-teacher conference at your kid's school are two examples of times it's most likely not appropriate to flirt. Wait until the meeting is over and then pour on the charm.
5. Get the message if your flirting is unwanted.
Even if the one you want is available, he or she might not welcome your flirting. There are tons of reasons why and it doesn't necessarily mean you are being rejected. Honor the other person's wishes and back off if that's the response you get.
Here are four flirting techniques that are so effective it's scary:
1. Flirt without words using non-verbal cues.
There's no need for a smooth pick-up line. Catch the gaze of the one you're interested in and look into his or her eyes for a few seconds longer than you normally would. Make sure to smile in a soft and warm way too. Non-verbal cues can be confusing, so make sure you are feeling on the inside what you want to convey on the outside. This makes a big difference.
2. Be your authentic self as you flirt.
Don't force or be fake about what you say or how you act. Don't pretend like you're someone you're not to hide embarrassment or insecurity. This will all come through and send the other person running in the opposite direction.
Let flirting come as naturally to you as possible and be honest. Planning out what to say before you flirt will most likely cause you to seem stiff or unreal. It's better to work more on your mood and confidence than it is to think up the perfect thing to say or try to be.
3. Get curious (but not creepy).
Get to know the person you're flirting with by being curious about them. Ask questions that you really want answers to, listen, and engage as he or she talks.
Don't let your nervousness hijack your focus. In other words, don't sit and think about what witty thing you'll say next as the other person talks and answers your question. You'll miss a great opportunity to connect and your flirting won't roll out naturally because you weren't really paying attention.
When you ask questions about the other person, make sure you're not getting too personal too fast, and don't grill them for facts. Let yourself be led by what you really want to know about the person you're attracted to, and the conversation and flirting will happen more organically.
4. Let the best version of yourself shine through.
If you want to be great at flirting, be your best self. This starts when you recognize that you've got some fabulous qualities. There is no room for low self-confidence or insecurity when attracting a date or a partner, so take the time to boost your self-esteem.
Let what's wonderful and attractive about you shine through. If you don't know what that is, discover it and, once you do, you'll find that flirting is actually easy and fun.
More for You:
Susie and Otto Collins are relationship coaches and authors who help couples communicate, connect, and create the relationship they desire.