3 Tips For Reviving Relationship Intimacy

Love, Sex

Re-kindle the passion in your love relationship or marriage...

 So you and your mate have been together for awhile now and it seems to you that intimacy and passion are dead and lifeless?

Perhaps you look back to your early years together and wistfully remember when time spent together with your partner seemed alive and even red hot. Or it might be that your intimacy has never felt as close as you'd like. Maybe you've always longed for a spicier and more connected relationship.

There are varying levels of intimacy in love relationships or marriages.

Everyone has his or her own preferences about the degree of closeness or passion desired. When one or both people in a relationship are consistently disappointed and perceive their intimate connecting lacking, it's time to consider changes.

After all, being in a love relationship or marriage is a choice. Why would anyone choose to be in what seems like a passionless relationship?

Carmen remembers the days when her husband Jon brought home flowers “just because” and held her close and kissed her deeply each and every day. Now, after 25 years of marriage, it seems as if she's with a different man.

While Carmen knows that relationships mature and settle in, she didn't think intimacy with Jon would be so changed. It's almost as if he has no time or interest in keeping their love alive and passionate. She does drop not so subtle hints to Jon that she'd like to be romanced as if they were dating. But it seems like Jon only retreats further into himself afterwards.

Carmen is certain that Jon loves her and that she loves him. It just seems like they are merely good friends and co-parents to their children. This is not what she had in mind!

If you feel like Carmen and long for a relationship intimacy that is close and passionate, try these 3 tips...

Tip #1: Get clear about what you want.
It is quite common for people in long-term relationships (or even committed relationships that are newer) to settle into habits and roles and then become fixed in them.

These couples don't give much thought to the kind of relationship they want and certainly don't usually take steps toward creating such a connection. In fact, in cases like this, there is often a sense of taking for granted one's mate. Of course, it's wonderful to feel like you can count on your partner. But that doesn't mean you have to box either of you in.

There is room to be a great parent, successful career-man or woman AND continue being the engaged and exciting partner to your love.

Sometimes people stop thinking about what kind of relationship they want because they take what they have for granted and assume it's as good as it's going to get. They might also do this because they become too busy with other aspects of life.

Whatever is the case in your relationship, break out of the box and give yourself permission to envision the relationship intimacy you desire. Be as specific and clear as you can.

Carmen stops thinking back to her early days with Jon. Instead, she begins to envision what she wants for her future with him.

She realizes that by constantly asking herself, “Why doesn't he bring me flowers or kiss me deeply anymore?” She is only building up resentment and fear within herself. She starts having fun thinking about ways they both can begin to rev up the passion between them again.

Tip #2: Be open, honest and non-blaming with your partner.
Once you are clear about what you want in your relationship, communicate about that with your partner. The trick here is to stay open, listen, share honestly and set aside the blame.

It might seem evident to you that the dead feeling in your relationship is because your partner is no longer doing x, y or z. Stay focused in on what you want, instead, and don't try to find the “bad guy” in your relationship.

You might use words such as, “I would really like to increase the excitement in our relationship. I enjoy spending time with you in so many ways and I want to move closer together in our intimate sharing as well.”

You could even add something like, “I am most interested in talking with you about both of our ideas for increasing the passion between us. I would like to come up with some specific ways we can make our intimacy more alive.”

Be upfront about what you want-- especially if you have particular actions in mind. Then listen to ideas that your mate might have. There might be habitual ways of interacting that you've each fallen into. So this shift probably requires you both to be aware of what you usually do and then make choices that will point you toward deeper intimacy instead.

Tip #3: Re-commit to the relationship you want.
Carmen and Jon have a difficult yet very healing conversation about the intimacy in their relationship. While at first Jon felt defensive and assumed that Carmen was blaming him, they were able to keep communicating. They were both able to stay open.

In fact, Carmen and Jon came away from their talk with a sense of anticipation for the possibilities ahead in their relationship. They agreed to try some new ways of being intimate with one another-- including sharing massages and increasing other physical touches-- both sexual and non-sexual. They decided to make reviving the intimacy in their relationship more of a priority.

Ask your mate if he or she is willing to make a commitment with you to create a more passionate relationship together.

It is vital that you both freely make this commitment. From time to time you will probably need to come together and talk about what you want and what's possibly changed for you. You might even set up regularly scheduled “check in” times to do this.

The great thing about being on the road to a more passionate relationship is that the sense of excitement and aliveness almost always spills over into other areas of your life.

As you come to enjoy being intimate and closer to your mate, you will undoubtedly enjoy your life more and more deeply as well.
Susie and Otto Collins are relationship coaches and authors who help couples communicate, connect and create the relationship they desire.  Click here to get their free ebook, Passionate Heart-Lasting Love.

Explore YourTango