Use observable information to decide how much-- and when-- to share about how you feel and what you want for the future.
If you're considering playing it cool in your new relationship, remember this advice...
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#1: This person is NOT your ex.
We know, a big reason why many people play it cool in a new relationship is because they've been hurt and betrayed in the past. They're hesitant to get hurt again and we understand that.
We urge you to stay awake and be aware of what is happening with this new person and also to keep reminding yourself that you're NOT with your ex. This is a completely different person. While there might be similarities, don't react as if you're with your ex by holding back because you're worried you'll be hurt again.
In each moment, stay tuned in to what is true for you and what you need. Make decisions about how open you'll be based on the present and not the past.
#2: Holding back sends mixed messages.
While making yourself inaccessible might sound like a good idea, it can lead to a fizzled romance. Your date may become confused and frustrated trying to figure you out. When you hold back you are sending a message to your date that he or she and this new relationship aren't all that important to you.
This may or may not be accurate.
Playing it cool might have the opposite result than what you want. Your behavior could come off as mysterious or it could seem to the other person that you are cold and aloof. Instead of moving closer to you, the new person in your life may think you're rejecting him or her.
Be as accessible and available as is genuine for you. Don't put your life on hold for your date, but if this new relationship is a priority for you, don't hide that.
#3: Playing it cool blocks connection.
One essential element to a healthy and happy relationship-- at any stage-- is connection. The connection between you and your date is what makes it a relationship. You two are linked, if only for a brief period of time. Whether you are “just having fun” or are “serious” and “committed to one another,” there is some form of connection.
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Before you deliberately hold back or pretend you are uninterested (when you really are), remind yourself of the damage you are doing to this new relationship. Make choices that open you up to connection. Relax and have fun with this person you enjoy being with and may possibly spend your life loving.
Susie and Otto Collins are relationship coaches and authors who help couples communicate, connect and create the relationship they desire. Click here to get their free ebook, Passionate Heart-Lasting Love.