And women do the ending of relationships...
When I make this statement during my speaking events or to clients, I get instant resistance from everyone. After I explain, the resistance seems to dissipate.
Although it is true that men are very visual and are attracted to the most beautiful women in the room, they usually won’t approach them. The women in the room are usually intimidated by the beautiful people, both men and women. They don’t approach the most beautiful either. So how does this work?
Here is the premise: Women do the choosing and women do the ending of relationships. Women have the power in relationships. Women have been striving to have the power in other parts of the society, but let’s face it. Men have most of the power in the world. The reality, however, is women have the absolute power in relationship. You have complete control over who you allow in your life, who you allow to touch your body, and especially who you will consent to sex. You determine who you will marry and how that relationship will progress. The reason that you have all of this power in relationship is because men don’t think it’s that important. Their focus is on producing results in the world. Relationship is the foundation for everything that both men and women do on the planet. It is important to both and yet priority wise men and women are different.
Do I sound sexist? Some would say so, but hear me out. Women, you care about relating. You care about having children. You care about having intimacy, communication, sensuality, a home, security and sex within your relationship. Men want to be comfortable. Your man wants to know that you are solidly behind him, approving of him, supporting and believing in him and he wants sex, frequent, intense, passionate, loving, wonderful, fun sex. Oh and he wants the rest also but he doesn’t have the same hierarchy in his priorities.
Remember that I said women do the choosing. In exploring that concept, women often choose poorly. They choose by chemistry alone. It doesn’t matter how old, how homely, how thin or fat, how educated or what size bra you wear. You still get to choose. The interesting part about choosing is picking the criteria that you will use to choose. If you choose a man by his looks alone, you are likely to get very hurt. If you choose a man simply because you have powerful chemistry together, you are also likely to get hurt. If you choose a man by anyone else’s standards, you will have made a huge mistake. The real solution to choosing a good man is to get enough of a new perspective on who men are for you that you know who you are seeking.
What I mean by that is that your perception about who men are for you directly relates to the men with whom you have had intimate contact. That does not mean sexual contact. It means your father, your brothers, and any man with whom you have lived for more than one year. From those encounters, you formed your belief about men. Depending on your history, the belief can be anywhere on the humanity scale. This is also true for men about women. Unless you expand your comfort zone and meet, experience and have intimate conversations with a wide variety of men who are outside of your norm, you will always end up attracting a version of your first perception. The intimate conversations must be about what drives them, what values they have, and who they are as humans on the planet.
Therefore, the most significant thing that you can do to find the love of your life and choose him is to get clarity about your values, and your hierarchy of priorities.
From that point on you can proceed to meeting and dismissing men as candidates until you find the one with whom you share:
2) Respect and love
That is where you will start to decide if he is the man you will choose.
Part 2 addresses women do the ending...