Women: Being Unavailable Versus Playing A Game
By Susan J. Elliott. Posted on .
Twenty first century women don’t really want to hear this and ask, "If it’s so innate, what is the answer? Will men and women be in complete conflict forever over where on the bonding spectrum they should meet? Does all this talk about biology mean that men will forever be commitmentphobic and women will forever feel abandoned?"
No. There are plenty of couples who know that to be happy people they need to have whole identities separate and apart from the relationship. A happy and whole woman has things to do that involves her and only her outside the family unit.
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But for those who don’t know to do that, it’s important to understand that when a man is secure that he will not be engulfed if he goes higher than 50 percent, he will not only go higher than 50 percent, but he will look forward to it. But when you have your man there at the higher end of the bonding spectrum, it has to be for a finite period of time. It also helps matters if the woman breaks the bond and goes back to separation than if he feels as if he's running away or needs to pull himself away in the face of tears and recriminations.
When his visit to the higher end of the spectrum turns ugly he's going to be less inclined, next time, to visit you at 80 percent and hang around the nest. When he is feeling less inclined, you will do the one wrong thing you can do: chase him. You will feel abandoned, unloved and try to drag him up to 80 with tears and recriminations. But instead of just running back to 50, he is now he is running toward 30 and eventually to 0, trying to get away from this engulfing crazy person. And you'll either breakup or be doing this dance forever.
The next question women ask is, “Well, why can't men work more on attachment? Why are you telling women to recognize this?”
Because there's really no payoff for men to be more attached. Even if you get them to sit around the nest,nesting to him is not the same as nesting to you. To them it means channel surfing, not snuggling with you. They're going to play video games and watch football. Staying home together might mean intimacy to you, but to him it probably means playing Madden 2012.
So then what is the payoff for women to hang back at the middle or lower end of the bonding spectrum? Well, there are many.
First, when you’re dating, you learn to hang back. When you're not rushing to be close to someone you barely know, you get to watch him to figure out who he is and what he is all about. If you’re chasing him or hyperventilating because he has called or texted in the past 15 minutes, you’re focused on his attachment and attraction to you, not whether or not you want to be attached to or are attracted to him.
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Second, when you are not always trying to drag your guy to be closer, he won't rebel against it. He won’t be doing it begrudgingly. He will want to be intimate and your bonding time will be richer, nicer and better. He will enjoy the times and, after a while, it won't be a struggle. You will fall into a natural rhythm that works for both of you.
