Is there a difference between playing hard to get and doing what is right for your life?
By Susan J. Elliott — Written on Jul 02, 2012
the middle or lower end of the bonding spectrum? Well, there are many.
First, when you’re dating, you learn to hang back. When you're not rushing to be close to someone you barely know, you get to watch him to figure out who he is and what he is all about. If you’re chasing him or hyperventilating because he has called or texted in the past 15 minutes, you’re focused on his attachment and attraction to you, not whether or not you want to be attached to or are attracted to him.
Second, when you are not always trying to drag your guy to be closer, he won't rebel against it. He won’t be doing it begrudgingly. He will want to be intimate and your bonding time will be richer, nicer and better. He will enjoy the times and, after a while, it won't be a struggle. You will fall into a natural rhythm that works for both of you.
Now a caveat to this discussion is that we are talking about cultivating relationships with healthy men who want to be in relationships. We are not talking about men who purposely keep a woman (or several women) at arm’s length. These are cheaters and liars and you should not allow him to dictate your availability. Don’t get sucked into "call me" or "we'll go out..." Do not let him call the communication shots. Don't let him convince you that he needs to be free when "free" means out with other women.
Some experts think that if you play "hard to get," it feeds right into the type of relationship a commitmentphobe or avoidant type prefers. No. The idea is not to let him come and go as he pleases, but to see how much he pleases to come and go. If a guy is disappearing way too often and not treating you well, it's time to end it. Get a grip early on, otherwise you'll be on the crappy end of a carrot on a stick. You have to be in charge of your availability, not always waiting around for a player or commitmentphobe to grace you with his presence. Not chasing him gives you the opportunity to weed out those who can't be bothered to show up except when he wants to.
Third, whole people have happy, healthy and whole relationships. Having separate interests, friends and time apart is healthy. So if you both separate, do your thing and have your own interests and friends, you are healthy and whole people. When you come back together it will be wonderful.
This should start when you’re dating and continue until you’re married 50 years. If there is jealousy, possessiveness, attempts to separate you from that which you love, it will not work. Women must have their own interests, nurture their friendships, take time away from their guy and the relationship. They may not be always happy about it, but they’ll learn to get okay with it. If they’re not okay with it, then they’re not okay with you.
Do not always be available when you are dating. Do not answer every call. Do not get into the habit of constant texting or email. Do not accept every invitation. Do not act as if this guy is the be all end all. Pull back a bit, physically, mentally and emotionally. When you do bond and things are good, leave sooner than you would like. You don’t want a guy watching the clock waiting for when you’re going to leave. Be upbeat about leaving and think of it in a positive way. It's important to not leave too early and not leave too late. It's important to leave them wanting more but not feeling abandoned. It’s a balance that takes work to achieve but you can achieve it.
Remember, he does not want to feel abandoned or insignificant. So you can't just disappear completely for a long period of time, but don't be always available either. It takes practice but you begin to know what makes a guy feel at 50 percent. It's a matter of figuring out how not to dip below 50 and what will get him to 80 without demand and control on your part.
When you leave first, you don’t feel abandoned or needy. You don’t show your insecure or whiny side. This is when guys disappear and women panic.
Finally, there is a very important reason to step back. It gives you the opportunity to gauge a guy's reaction to you having your own life. If a guy doesn't want you to leave and shows signs of controlling or being a big baby, you want to know that. If a guy has objections about you retaining your friends and your interests, you want to know that. If a guy wants you to be a no-life nobody who is only interested in you being available to him, you want to know that. If a guy runs off to do inappropriate things when you're not together, you want to know that. If there are red flags, you want to know that. If you pull away or are unavailable and he never tries to pull you closer, you want to know that. If he demands you answer every text or acts suspicious when you don't, you want to know that.
You want to step back and give him the chance to show you what you mean to him. How does he respond if you're not there? Does he turn into a demanding, control freak or does he not care? Again, you want someone who is willing to give you the space but then says, "I miss you." and asks, in a healthy way, for some "us" time.
The payoff to being unavailable sometimes and being in control of your time is huge. The payoff is actually much bigger for women than for men. Although it seems like capitulating to the way men naturally like things, it isn't. For women it results in a better life, more interested and interesting men, healthier men, and the ability to pull back and see your own life as well as your budding relationship.
This is not about playing a game. It's about understanding the innate and biological differences between men and women and capitalizing on that instead of being a victim complaining about men who won't commit or suckered into relationships who want to lavish you with love and attention in the beginning and then take off once you are suckered in. If you take your time and sit back, tend to your own life while allowing him to reveal himself to you, that won’t happen.
Once you’re in a relationship, don’t stop taking care of yourself. The payoffs will continue. Taking care of yourself will never be the wrong thing to do.
This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission from the author.