When The Person You Love Doesn't Love You

By

When The Person You Love Doesn't Love You
You want to be with someone who loves you and if someone doesn't, you have to reject the rejecter.

Every relationship is a learning experience. In each relationship we learn what parts of us could use improvement. But not because this person found them unattractive or irritating but because YOU found them unattractive or irritating. We all have regrets and things we wish we could do over. A relationship shines a light on all the things we need to change and every breakup gives us the opportunity to work hard on ourselves. But it’s not for someone else or to be loved. It’s for our own self-improvement and our own progress.

But DON’T change things in yourself just because this person didn’t like it. Maybe this person has no taste or doesn’t know a thing. Don’t think of changing for another person. Only change for you. It’s OKAY to accept someone’s constructive criticism if it’s spot on and will help you in the end, but if not, just REJECT IT.

When you are leaving a relationship where someone doesn’t love you anymore or failing to move further in a relationship because someone won’t or can’t love you or not getting into a relationship because someone isn’t attracted to you, there is a HIT to the self-esteem. It’s a rejection no matter how you slice it. And it’s a rejection that stings.
However, it’s important to take it in stride. Take rejection in stride? Yes. That’s easier said than done! Well, of course it is. Everything is easier said than done.

Taking it in stride means telling yourself that you are okay no matter what. Yes, there might be things that need improvement but it is a lovable, worthwhile person who is willing to look at those things and change them. And if this person does not value all that you are and all that you can be there is only one sentiment to go in that direction: LET THEM GO.

Seriously.

It is time to REJECT THE REJECTER. And his or her ridiculous standards of measurement. Perhaps this person doesn’t know what he or she is losing. Perhaps this person has NO IDEA how worthwhile you are and what value you can add to their life.
That is their problem, not yours. You don’t want anyone who doesn’t think you are the end-all, be-all of lovers. You just don’t want them. They are stuck in some goopy substance that does not allow them to move off their position and see how great you are. That is their problem and their loss.

You have to see that the rejecter should be rejected. Do you want someone without vision? Without appreciation of all that you are and all that you can be? No, you do not.

You want someone who loves you and thinks you are the best thing that ever happened to them. If this person doesn’t get that, then the hell with this person.

Stop talking to him or her. Stop trying to convince them otherwise. Stop waiting around for him or her to “get it.”

Or another possibility is that this person does recognize your value and how great you are but they are not in a place where they can be in a relationship. Maybe they’re not over their previous relationship. Maybe their life choices (home, job, school) are up in the air.

Maybe it’s not about you in any way. It still hurts but this is something you can’t change. Even if you think that if the shoe was on the other foot YOU wouldn’t let such a catch get away, it doesn’t work that way for everyone. Some people simply can’t get there from here. Let them be. It’s not the right time in their life, and there is nothing you can do about it. Gently let it go. It’s hard and it hurts but gently let it go.

The bottom line is that you do not want someone who does not want you no matter what the reason. The reasons might be things that are easy to work out, but this person doesn’t want to work it out. The reasons might be somewhat flimsy and stupid, but they’re still reasons that block your access to the love you want. No matter what the reasons—real reasons, stupid reasons, made-up reasons—they are still very real to this person and you cannot spend your time trying to circumvent the reasons. The bottom line is that he or she does not want you. Yes, it hurts and it stings. And love is all about not about being hurt or stung by rejection. Don’t sit around waiting for this person to want you. Reject anyone who doesn’t want you. They are not worth it. The first prerequisite for love is to be mutual. Otherwise it’s not okay. Reject the rejecter.

Stephen Levine once said, “The road is hard. Love softens it.”
Requited love, mutual love, real love softens it.

And until that love comes from a romantic partner who values you and sees how wonderful you are, get that love from family, friends and YOURSELF. You MUST be good to yourself as you move on from someone who does not value you enough to want an exclusive, romantic relationship with you.

Because who knows what (or who) you are missing as you roll around in the mud with this person who doesn't want you.  Get on with your life and become the person you always wanted to be.

Use this relationship breakup to work on yourself and GET READY for true love, real love, lasting love. Get ready for a relationship with yourself and THEN a relationship with a loving and appreciative person who WILL come into your life once you learn to value YOU. And you start valuing you by rejecting the rejection and the rejecter. The hell with it.

Be good to yourself. Today and always. In a relationship or out of a relationship. Be good to you.

Tell yourself that Mr. or Ms. right is OUT THERE and he or she will value you for the person you are. In the meantime, work on whatever needs working on. Have your feelings…let them out…write about them, talk about them but allow yourself the feelings. Don’t contact this person who does not value you. Be grateful it did not go any further. Be glad you are letting go of someone who doesn’t value you. Their presence will not soften the hard road. Their presence will just make things harder and THAT IS NOT WHAT WE WANT IN A PARTNER.

In a partner we want someone to share life’s sorrows and joys. We want someone who is there day in and day out. If this person can’t handle us without a big problem in our lives, why would we think they could handle it if things are tough? They can’t.

Let them go and hold on and hold out for someone who loves you for you. There IS that person out there. Mr. or Ms. Right will never question your value, will never not love you unconditionally. If this person has rejected you in some way, he or she is NOT the one for you.

You might think this person is perfect in every way. No this person is not. Because this person doesn’t WANT you and the person who is perfect for you will want to be with you. Not wanting you and not appreciating you and the value you bring to someone’s life is NOT a little thing. It’s a big thing. And if this person doesn’t love you, doesn’t want you and doesn’t appreciate you, then they are not perfect and their flaw is a fatal flaw and you need to reject the rejecter. You must.

Even if you love this person, this person does not love you….and the person for you will love you deeply and completely, unconditionally and without question.

In your pain you might not believe that it’s ever going to happen for you, but believe that it can.

It exists.

It happens.

It is possible.

In the meantime you MUST MUST MUST be good to you and know your value and understand your value and get your value from inside you and not outside.

Be good to you.

Move on from rejection. Feel your feelings. Reject the rejecter.

Celebrate the you that is you.

And know that the right person for you is out there.

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission from the author.

GET MORE ARTICLES LIKE THIS IN YOUR INBOX!

Sign up for our daily email and get the stories everyone is talking about.

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

FROM AROUND THE WEB