Stop Keeping Score And Sabotaging Your Own Relationship


Keep your relationship balanced without having to "measure."

My clients know that keeping score or measuring what your partner gives you in exchange for what you give them is a relationship transformation killer. Yet, so many people keep score in their relationship. By definition, a 50/50 relationship implies that you are keeping score. How else do you know if it's 50/50 unless you are measuring, right?

Having a 50/50 relationship, keeping score, or measuring all leads to relationship trouble! Why? Your partner is a separate human being than you are. So, they think, feel, process and act differently than you do. Are you with me so far?

So, when you measure what they are giving you, they will always come up short because they aren't giving it to you the way you would have done yourself. They will never meet your expectations because your expectations are based on how YOU would have thought, felt, processed, and acted. And yet, you are giving to them. According to your "evaluation system," you are giving to them exactly the way you would want it. So from your perspective, you are giving perfectly. In your own mind you are a rock star. You get the picture?

So here's the formula when you have a "50/50 relationship." You give the right way (in your own mind) and they give back to you, but they fall short because it's not your way. Do you see how this dynamic always leaves you feeling like you are giving more than you are getting?

That's why you always feel like crap.

Guess what, rock star? Your partner is running the same damn equation on you, and you are coming up short every freakin' time in their score keeping "math." 50/50 relationships, score keeping, and measuring all lead to the partners feeling like crap. That's why we teach our students that score keeping and measuring actually blocks the process of relationship transformation that we are teaching them to create.

But, what does work? 100/100% is the only formula that creates an unshakable love and unleashed passion. An intimate relationship is not somewhere that you show up to get; it's somewhere that you go to give. When two partners both show up to the relationship to get, there's nothing there.

It can be a really tough habit to break.

There are so many tools and strategies I could teach you to create this shift in your relationship. Since I don't have time to teach them all to you here, I'll start with two keys:

  1. It all starts with a flip of the switch inside of you. It's a decision you make that begins this shift: the decision that your relationship is worth it, that your quality of life is worth it. As I say to my clients every day, you either have to live in your relationship or live through leaving it. It's so worth it to transform it.
  2. Model the energy that you have with your kids. You don't measure what they are giving back to you in exchange for what you give them. When your kids were born and they needed to be fed and changed after they kept you up all night and puked on your only clean shirt, you didn't look at your two-month-old and say, "I feel like I'm doing most of the work around here." Well, your partner is not a two-month-old, but you certainly have the capacity to give unconditional love, sweetie. If you gave your partner as much unconditional love as you gave your babies, you would have a very different relationship.

So, consider breaking that "measuring stick" of yours and replacing it with a big bucket of love to give away.

P.S. If you want more tools and strategies to help you shift the dynamic of keeping score, please download our free audio program here or join our Quick Start program here.

Stacey Martino helps people who feel stuck, frustrated and helpless with the challenges that intimate relationships bring. Through targeted, strategic, private coaching, programs and events for her Relationship Transformation™, Relationship Rescue™ and Relationship Transition™ programs, individuals learn to use her proven strategies and tools to create an unshakable love and unleashed passion that lasts a lifetime.

Stacey firmly believes that it absolutely does NOT take two to tango, that one person can significantly shift the dynamics of the relationship. Clients have praised Stacey for helping them to see massive results in record time. Formerly known as "The Ice Princess," Stacey is intimately aware of what it takes to transform oneself to be ready to both give and receive love and passion like you have never experienced before.

Download Stacey's free audio program, “How to Transform Your Relationship in Eight Steps” here.


Explore YourTango