One woman's rules for pursuing casual sex.
Keep It Simple Stupid.
We learned it in school when we learned to write…keep it simple stupid (K.I.S.S)… but apparently some men missed the memo. I am in a unique place in my life, a place I’ve never been before, and I’m still adapting to it. I am busy, sincerely and legitimately busy, and I have little time for socialization. I am making time for friends I’ve known most of my life, and of course my family, but others are not a priority. This means that dating is not even on my radar. I’m not a woman who dates a whole hell of a lot in general but I do tend to go out, be social, and flirt at least. That thrill usually holds me over for a while until I have the time and energy to put into dating. Being as busy as I am right now I don’t even have the time for that.
So, what do I do? I call up a couple guys who have shown interest in me but who didn’t want a relationship (maybe because they are already in one…maybe because they can’t commit). Since we are acquaintances they know how busy I am and I explain my love life dilemma. I am a woman with needs that demand fulfilling but without the time to nurture a relationship. What to do? I decide to be straight forward and tell them that I’d like to start up a friend with benefits relationship with them (not together…each individually). Both eagerly agree to my terms of no demands on my time, no drama, having fun, being open and honest, and enjoying one another.
I say “no strings." They hear “cha-ching.”
You would have thought I told these men they won the lottery! Guy number one has been handed the shit end of the stick and could use a bit of ego boosting and fun in his life. Honey, I am your girl! So what if he is 50 and I’m 31…the man is sexy. He’s an arrogant asshole that I usually cannot tolerate but he also has a 6 pack and a body to swoon over. I don’t want to talk to the guy I just want…well you know what I want from him. That’s not being entirely fair though, he actually is pretty decent once you get past the douche bag exterior. I find myself actually taking a somewhat dominant role with him which is different, new, and kind of exciting.
He has his own life, career, and is mature so what could go wrong? Um, everything! After night one he is saying, “I love you.” He sees my face register horror, apologizes, and swears it will never happen again. I chalk this up to a generation gap, maybe he thinks that is what he should say, or what I needed to hear. It doesn’t stop there though. He gets attached and says he hopes one day I’ll learn to care for him as he does me. He gets upset bristly when I say we aren’t friends merely acquaintances. He enjoys our physical relationship but I think he craves more of an emotional connection as well. Ugh. I appreciate a complimentary man but he raves about how wonderful I am, how lucky he is, and how much he cares for me non-stop. I’m not heartless, it is sweet, and I thank him, but it isn’t what I signed on for. I’ll continue the relationship but the extra complications are exactly what I want to avoid and I’m starting to feel heartless and cruel.
Guy number two is not going to be a problem…or so I think. He’s not exactly single but it’s never stopped him before. We have a long history but in the past I’d stayed distant because I was in “I want a real relationship” mode. Well, that mode is gone and my naughty side is emerging, so I let him know I’m game for some fun. He knows I want nothing at all from him except some physical company. There is no fear of emotion getting in the way. He doesn’t have the freedom to get emotionally involved with me so we are on equal footing there.
Sounds simple, right?
Nope, of course it isn’t. This one decides that cheating on his woman is wrong if it is planned. He can however just say he wants to stop by to say hello and then ravage me. That is okay because the intention wasn’t sex; it was spontaneous. WHAT THE HELL!? How does that make any sense? The end result is the same, just the motivation is different, and even that isn’t really. He knows full well what happens when we get together so all it does is make it easier for him to sleep at night. Ugh.
Are you shaking your head? I am. Aren’t men always saying that women over think things, we complicate things, we let our emotions and our analytical nonsense get in the way? Well, guys, it isn’t a trait reserved to women. You cannot look at these two situations and tell me that “men know how to separate sex from emotions” or “women complicate everything.”
All of this has taught me one very important lesson. I don’t give a crap what men say; I think they secretly love when we get all sappy and emotional on them. They want us to fall for them, care for them, so they can say, “Sorry, baby, I told you I can’t be who you need. I’m no good for you.” Then they get to walk away and think they are the man. If you hand them a strong woman who knows what she wants and gets it they have no idea how to handle it.
Shhh, just go with it.
Guys, if a hot woman you desire comes up to you and says, “I just want a physical relationship” just roll with it. Trust me, don’t over think it; just enjoy it. If you don’t like how it feels to be called on late at night, on short notice, or without any emotional connection…well then your take away lesson should be to realize how you probably make women feel most of the time. Just saying.
Want to read more from According to Jewels? Follow her on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/AccordingToJewels or at Singles Warehouse: http://www.singleswarehouse.co.uk/2012/07/casual-sex-sealed-with-a-k-i-s-s/