PUBLISHED BY: Dr. Yvonne Fulbright, PhD.
Contrary to popular belief, humans simply cannot experience orgasm every time they’re sexually active. Male or female, you would be hard pressed to find the person for whom this happens. Yet the desire to have an orgasm more times than not is understandable, and realizing such has become a quest for many. Factors that lend themselves to a man or woman not experiencing climax on a consistent basis include:
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• Psychological issues, such as obsessive/compulsive personality
• Interpersonal factors in the relationship
• Various fears
• Performance anxiety
• Drug/alcohol abuse
• Medications, including her birth control pill
• Nerve disorders
• A rigid, sexually repressive upbringing
• Childhood sexual abuse
• Shaming experiences related to one’s sexuality
• Ignorance about the body and sex
• Lack of trust
• Fear of intimacy
• Inability to let go
• Unskilled lover
• Insufficient mental arousal
• Sexual ignorance
• Poor communication skills with partner
Guy or gal, in investigating possible physical reasons for your lack of “O” at times, you should get a thorough physical exam and talk to your doctor about any possible physiological issues at play.
If any of the aforementioned psychological/emotional reasons struck a chord with you, then you may also want to work with a certified sex therapist to carefully review your sexual and psychological history. A therapist will work with you in pinpointing blocks; in reframing eroticism so it’s something more easily embraced; in coming to terms with any issues in your current sexual relationship; and strategizing ways to enhance your relationship. Body coaching may also be utilized if you need to learn to masturbate, feel better about your sexual self, or become more in-the-know about your sexual response.
As far as things you can do immediately and on your own in encouraging a more consistent climax, evaluate the circumstances that led to the orgasm(s) when you’ve had one. Was there some sort of specific stimulation involved, e.g., a certain technique used on your major erogenous zones? Was there a type of enhancement that turned you on, e.g., erotica? Did you have some sort of fantasy that got you going? Was there something about the dynamic between you and your partner during foreplay or in the days/hours leading up to sex that allowed you to let go?
If there seems to be a recipe for your orgasmic response, try to recreate such, exploring even more of your orgasmic potential during self-pleasuring. You may also want to consider incorporating a vibrator, using it on your hot spots during sex and/or having your partner perform oral sex on you prior to penetration, as research has found that those who are more exploratory, as in use erotica and sex toys, also tend to be more orgasmic.
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