7. Sweet forgiveness. After abusing you, and especially after escalating the abuse, your abuser is sweet and light, full of tears, apologies, gifts, special dinners or a night out, self-recrimination, swearing to do better and telling you how much he loves you and how it will never happen again. This is one of the abuser's most effective manipulations.
Abusers are very good actors, some of them going as far as to swear to seek help. You are going to wait a long time for that to happen. 5 Reasons Why You Should Experiment With Sex Toys
8. Temper tantrums. These are not only designed to scare you, but an abuser really does have anger issues. Don't feel that you need to "help" an abuser get over this because you can't. These people need more help than you are qualified to provide.
9. Must have control of your finances. An abuser insists that you quit your job, talks you into a joint checking account or into closing your bank accounts and credit cards because "he will take care of you." An abuser insists on knowing how to access your accounts. He gives you an allowance, as if you were a child. This is all part of making sure that you can't afford to leave.
10. The abuser uses your children as a threat. If an abuser threatens your children in any way, or even implies a threat, you must get you and your kids out. Don't tell yourself that he doesn't really mean it.
Don't wait to leave because you're still in love. Those feelings are going to cling, sometimes no matter how badly you were abused. You're going to hang on to the memories of the good times before the abuse started. But, staying in this relationship is going to kill you, one way or the other. It will never be the way it was "before."
How to get out. The first number you should have is the National Domestic Violence Hotline. If you don't, the number is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). They can help you with local referrals, emergency shelter, legal issues and therapy.
There is also a National Domestic Violence website with more information. Don't use any computer that is accessible to your abuser. Computer usage is easy to monitor. Use a library or school computer, a friend's computer or one at work if you're sure your abuser doesn't have access to it.
Here at The Sinclair Institute, we understand the need for quality adult sex education and support. We are committed to helping couples overcome barriers that can affect the quality of sexual relationships.