Are You, Your Marriage, Your Family Falling Apart? So many relationships and families are being torn apart due to competing demands. Undefined marriage roles, both husband and wife working, unprecedented economic challenges and demanding childrens’ academic and sports schedules leave couples feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and feeling like they are losing their mind.
There is a way back to some sanity. Rather than blaming your relationship or your kids for your irritability, it is time to look at how your family is balancing the, “me”, “we” and the “us” in life. As I have been taught repeatedly when flying on a commercial airline, “put the oxygen mask on yourself before placing it on your child”, or hearing, “don’t try to fill up someone’s cup when your pitcher is empty”, it helps me remember that we cannot give wholly to others until we are taking care of ourselves first. If we are emptied of energy, we have nothing to offer others.
Same goes for couples and families. Both men and women when entering a relationship need to remember that the focus cannot be on only raising children, they must FIRST maintain the “me” and the “we” before the “us”. “Me” maintenance is staying connected to something bigger than ourselves and our limited resources when being exceptionally challenged by life circumstances. For some that is a “higher power”, to others, “God, a tree or Buddah”. Whatever your personal belief, you must have a foundation to lean on to provide stability and faith to get you through the tough times.
Once that is in place, we hopefully have developed through our school years while living with parents, a sense of “self”. After we leave mom and dad we learn to be emotionally and financially independent which ultimately frees us to choose who and when we love. We choose our partnership and not out of desperation or fear of being alone. We continue our own personal hobbies, friendships, activities, “down time” and focus on self improvement. We do not relinquish a sense of self when entering a relationship.
“We” maintenance once in a relationship or marriage, is the focusing on assuring “we” time where the focus is on the courtship. Where both parties concern themselves with pleasing the other person, hearing their partners desires, concerns and opinions in productive, respectfully communication. The couple ensures there is adequate, consistent time in their monthly routines to schedule in not only the “me” and “us” time of the family but also the “we” time. This is accomplished by scheduling regular alone time apart from the family to enjoy hobbies together, get together with other adults and regular adult “play”, including sensuality, affection and sexuality.