Engaged & Terrified: What Your Fear Is All About

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Why pre-wedding anxiety may mean your fiance is perfect for you after all.

After months of suffering from anxiety and countless discussions with me and her therapist, she started to learn how to re-parent herself and develop a relationship with a higher source. It was slow, difficult work, but, over time, the physical anxiety symptoms diminished and she felt some sense of solid ground beneath her feet. She released the notion that her parents might ever attend to her the way she needed as a child, and that true healing would require her to parent herself and accept nurturing from other sources.  However, she credits the development of her spiritual relationship as the key to managing her anxiety. Peace For The Anxious Mind: A Thought Is Just A Thought

I hope that this story sheds light on your own terror, but if not, it may be because you've attached the terror onto your choice of marriage partner. For most of my clients, the projection onto the partner becomes so strong that they want to run, leaving them with the painful choice of either postponing the wedding, or breaking up entirely. This is the wounded self at play, the part of you that's terrified of real love. But why is real love so scary? That is, if, rationally, you know your partner is terrific and you're ready to commit, why would you feel so scared?

The answer is that the wounded self is the part of you that developed to protect you from the pain of your early experiences. Perhaps you were raised by narcissistic parents that didn't know how to set their own needs aside in order to attend to yours. Perhaps your mother was emotionally engulfing and your father was emotionally absent, so the wounded self was born and developed a belief system that said, "There must be something wrong with me because I'm not receiving the love I need. If I was more perfect in some way, I would get love." In essence, you looked around you and realized that love isn't safe. It's either too much or too little, both of which you ascribed to some fault within yourself. Top 10 Reasons You Leave Your Partner Due To Fear

Now, with real love standing before you in the form of a solid, reliable mate, the old beliefs come flaring to the surface. You're terrified of getting hurt again. You're terrified of being vulnerable, exposing your true self, and then being rejected. It's too risky. It's not safe. You're knee-deep in a projection that says, "I must be terrified because I'm with the wrong person," when in truth, you're terrified because the old fears have been unleashed. Give Advice: I'm Scared To Tell Him How I Feel

Let me say this as clearly as possible: the terror has nothing to do with your partner. The terror lives inside of you and has always lived inside of you. The degree of the terror is directly correlated to the degree to which you love your partner, even if you're so scared right now that you can't feel the love at all.

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
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