We've all known people who appear typically beautiful but as soon as they open their mouth, the spell is broken and their true, toad-like nature is revealed. And we've known the opposite scenario as well. Sometimes, the person our culture defines as physically unattractive radiates such love, warmth, clarity and goodness. They're suddenly transformed into a fabled prince or princess. Living With The 'Grass Is Always Greener' Syndrome?
One of my clients, who found me six months before her wedding in the pit of a dark depression, said to me in our session last week, "It's amazing how attracted I am to my husband when I'm connected to myself. It's like two essences talking to each other. The superficial judgments just fall away and I'm able to bat off the negative thoughts like an annoying fly. When I'm disconnected or in a projection I think, 'Ugh. I can't deal with that feature.' But most of the time I look over at him and see my handsome, loving husband." 3 Ways To Attract Your Mate Through Self Love
This client has been profoundly committed to her own process of healing and understood within minutes of our first session that her happiness and loving feelings were her own responsibility. Her commitment to managing her internal critical voices of fear and judgment have led to a consistently loving relationship with herself and by natural extension, a loving relationship with her husband. In other words, when she sees herself through the lens of truth, clarity and love and connects to her own essence, so she sees the same in her husband. This is two essences talking to each other. Relationship Anxiety: Fear Eyes Or Clear Eyes?
When you're in the thicket of anxiety, it's not likely you're going to feel attracted to your partner. In these moments, I offer the following practical recommendations (as I offered on the e-course forum in response to one of the highest viewed threads called "Attraction"):
- Carry a photo of him that shows him at his very best. When you're only seeing him in a negative light, pull out the photo and have a good look. At the same time, carry a photo of yourself at your very worst to remind yourself that you're not perfect either. We all have good days and bad days. We can all look beautiful or scary. Carrying around both of these photos will help change your perspective and remind you to focus on his physical beauty as well as your own humanness. Reiki & Inner Beauty
- As one member mentioned, try to find one quality that you love whether it be his hands, her lips or his eyes and focus on that.
- Remind yourself that when you're over-focusing on the attraction issue, you're probably avoiding something else, especially if you know that you're attracted to his essence. Say to yourself, "I'm in a projection" and then ask, "What feeling am I avoiding by focusing on this right now?"
- Watch Shallow Hal. It's such a great movie for revealing how much our culture focuses on the externals and loses sight of essence. It can take a long time to reverse this cultural conditioning, but it's possible.
- Remind yourself that attraction comes and goes (just like the feeling of love). No one is always attracted to their partner. That's just not the way attraction works. Top 10 Reasons You Leave Your Partner Due To Fear
Another member of the e-course, who's getting married in two weeks, recently shared this inspiring revelation which shows what happens when you take the fear-bull by the horns and wrestle it to the ground, thereby sending it the message that you refuse to allow it to run this show.
"I have a few revelations in the 'attraction' department, my arch-nemesis! Maybe this will help others who are experiencing projections. It's so weird but I feel like the tables have turned on me here. He is still the same person but I seem to have changed. Because he didn't fit my warped mould of 'perfect,' I was withholding a part of myself that I feel is critical to attraction: emotional intimacy."
"I was sort of punishing him for making me feel angry when he wasn't doing anything to deserve it. My ego said, it's 'your' fault because you are not Mr. Perfection (obviously, I was not yet done getting over this fantasy). As soon as I realized that my ego was in the driver's seat, demanding perfection, I kicked her and told myself that my ego is really unattractive! I told myself to get some humility and start appreciating him for who he is. I realized that I needed to stop expecting him to make me feel a certain way. I knew I was going to lose a really great guy if I kept this up." Engaged & Thinking About Your Ex?
"This whole attraction thing has been so 'over the top' in my head for so long. It's weird having this new window to see through. I mean, I have dated many different guys. All of them have been different, no one has been perfect. I never had this anxiety over them! It was more that in my head, the place I reserved for my husband was one that had to be perfect. Now, my partner is pretty perfect so why is there this need for a Mr. Perfection?"
"Sure, the Hollywood stereotypes played a huge part but the inner child was screaming something and I've just started to hear her. It has to do with being visibly protected by someone bigger than me, physically. I think, this need to be with someone who could put certain people from my past in their place was important to my inner child. I had to tell her that I did have someone that was going to protect me, that my partner was way better than anyone else I'd ever met at protecting and nurturing me emotionally as well as protecting me physically." How To Avoid Affairs In The First Year Of Marriage
Since then, there has been excellent progress made. The bottom line truth is that beauty fades over time. If you're going to remain married to someone for sixty years, you're going to see hairlines recede, saggy breasts, bellies pooch and hairs turn grey. If you've picked your partner primarily because of the way he or she looks, you're going to have a very hard time sustaining real attraction over the long haul of marriage. Real attraction, like real love, is sustainable, solid and grows over time. It would behoove you to learn about it now.
Thank you to my client and e-course member for their permission to use their quotes.