Sex is an expression of love; if it's used for anything else, to try to get approval or love or to try to feel alive, it won't feel good for either of you in the long run. You may experience a physical sensation of pleasure or an emotional high of feeling wanted or desired, but in the aftermath of sex you're likely to feel empty, lonely, and possibly used.
Also, great sex isn't only about having an orgasm! You can feel deeply connected to your partner sexually even if neither of you climax every time you make love. We live in such a goal-oriented culture that we think that great orgasm equals great sex, but the reality is that an orgasm comprises the last 20 seconds of love making.
What's happening the rest of the time? Hopefully, you're opening to your partner and experiencing each other's bodies and beings in other ways. You're allowing him to touch you in places that you've never been touched, and I'm not talking about your physical body. I mean that when you meet each other in the bedroom you do so with an intention to connect in a place past thought, to learn to break through habitual walls that arise to keep out intimacy, and sometimes that means receiving your partner's loving touch without any agenda or attachment to outcome.
Just being in the moment with each other in an open-hearted way with your eyes wide open. This is what it means to make love, not just have sex.
Another big lie that our culture feeds us is that sex drive, like love, is ignited by another person. We say, "He made me feel so alive," without recognizing that, after the free ride of the infatuation stage, you can only feel alive if that aliveness begins inside of you. We believe that someone can "make you feel loved" without owning that the capacity to receive love begins inside your own heart.
Am I saying that anyone can turn you on if you're connected to your own sexuality? No, there needs to be a core connection, which doesn't happen every day. 5 Truths About Long-Term Committed Relationships