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• All relationships have ebbs and flows. I suspect that your sweetheart would also say that there are times when she finds you more attractive and interesting than other times. It's perfectly normal to notice other attractive people and that's no threat to your relationship unless you act on the attraction. If this doesn't answer your question, you can email me at shela@sheladean.com Best, Shela SEE MORE

  POSTED ON: relationship advice

• Dear Nara, Dating a married man, as you've just discovered, is dangerous. You have no way of knowing whether he's telling the truth about the status of his marriage. What you do know is that he's married and that is reason enough for you to immediately leave the relationship. I know you have strong feelings for this man and he may have them for you, too, but he's not only married, he's a liar. He's either lied to you or he's lied to his wife. While i understand it would be painful for you to leave him, it's what you need to do. Just as painful surgery is sometimes necessary to your health, you sometimes have to be "surgical" in doing what's emotionally best for you. So, my strong advice is that you break it off and focus on finding someone who is available. Good luck. Best, Shela SEE MORE

  POSTED ON: What shall I do?

• The only real way to know what that means is to ask him. SEE MORE

  POSTED ON: He Says He's "Quite Fond" ...

• Hi, I'm happy to help as much as I can based on what little I know. You say that you love each other but that he's selfish and lies to you. Love and dishonesty are mutually exclusive. Love and selfishness are mutually exclusive. Trust is the foundation on which a relationship is built. If you can't trust your boyfriend to be honest and thoughtful, then you don't have the proper foundation for a long-term relationship. Regardless of what your feelings are for this man, you need to ask yourself some hard questions: Is this the kind of relationship you want? How do you feel about yourself when he mistreats you? Do you expect and demand to be treated with respect and do you respect yourself? I fear that you are settling for far less than you deserve and should require for yourself in a relationship. You must first love yourself before you can be in a healthy relationship. Perhaps you need to be strong enough to walk away from a relationship that's not healthy and then take the time and do what you need to do to feel really good about yourself before you become involved again. I hope this helps. I'm happy to answer any other questions you may have. Best, Shela Dean SEE MORE

  POSTED ON: I need help with my ...

• Depression should be taken seriously. It can cause a “dampening” of feelings and make her feel isolated and alone. Your wife may feel a bit detached from life and from you (as though she were watching a movie instead of living life) as well as sadness, hopelessness and dejection. The emotional distance that resulted from your unemployment, your distraction by looking for work, and the stress that such a situation can create has either made her depression worse or has been a contributing cause—I can’t tell from what you’ve written. Regardless, depression can most definitely affect your relationship. If your wife is clinically depressed, she needs professional help. I'm glad to hear that you're getting counseling. As to why your wife continues to “focus” on your admitting that you hurt her and how, my guess is that she doesn’t yet believe you get it. Until she does, she won’t be able to move on. So, giving her the explanation, i.e., that you were distracted by looking for work, has not satisfied her need for you to truly understand her feelings, how hurt she’s been, and why she’s been hurt. Until you truly do understand and she’s confident of that, your assurances that you’ll do anything won’t be enough for the two of you to move forward. Continue with the counseling even if at times it may feel that progress is slow. When trust has been breached—and treating your wife poorly is a breach of trust—it takes time to rebuild. Give it that time and if you truly want your relationship to flourish, then be trustworthy in every way, and that includes treating her in the best way possible at all times. I hope this helps. Good luck. Shela Dean SEE MORE

  POSTED ON: How does depression affect ...

The fact is, both spouses can act like they did when they were engaged, i.e., both can continue to emotionally seduce each other through the same type of emotional foreplay in which they engaged while dating. In my recent article here on YourTango, I said, "Dating is to marriage what foreplay is to sex." When we are dating and engaged, we intuitively understand that if we want this amazing person to love and want us, that we need to engage in everyday emotional foreplay. Unfortunately, we subconsciously think that just as foreplay is no longer necessary once sex has occurred, emotional foreplay is no longer necessary once we've sealed the deal with wedding rings and courtship has been successful. Successful relationships (such as the one you and your husband have) result when both partners continue the emotional seduction because they understand that marriage is not irrevocable but is a choice we make every day. If we want our partner to continue to choose to be with us, we need to do the things that support that choice. You are right, BookMama, that it's impossible to sustain the level of excitement we experience when dating (in part because so much of that feeling is induced by hormones our brain secretes only in the beginning of our relationship) but that we can indeed experience a far more profound and lasting love. When both partners remember to do those things that make each other feel cherished, loved, and supported (what I call emotional foreplay), the relationship flourishes. No matter what, we all make mistakes because, as you've so accurately pointed out, we are less than perfect. You can read my article here: http://www.yourtango.com/experts/shela-dean/how-seduce-your-partner-every-day
Posted on: Why Powerful Men Cheat
It's easy for con men to con people who are trusting and honest. Lie about having cancer!?!! Really???? Who would do that? We learn from all our relationships (or at least we should) but some lessons are "bigger" than others. Susan, thanks for sharing your experience. I'm certain it will help others learn from you and avoid learning the hard way.
Posted on: My Boyfriend Emptied My Bank Account
I suppose it's human nature to want to couple up with someone as physically attractive as possible. But I'd sure like to see people value inner-beauty more and outer beauty less. One of the most passionate relationships I ever had was with a man I initially found unattractive. But after getting to know him, see how smart, clever, and funny he is, I couldn't get enough of him. The relationship ended but it was because our timing was off, not our chemistry.
Posted on: Are Ugly And Beautiful Dating Sites A Good Idea?
One of the major impediments to civil discourse (with emphasis on civil) and discussion that can educate everyone involved is making differences of opinion matters of right and wrong. Somewhere in your diatribe you may have made some valid points and you had the opportunity to open the door to intelligent discussion. But your personal attack on Ms. Johnson is inappropriate. You are entitled to your opinions and points of view. You may even be entitled to express them in such a hateful way but no one is listening as a result.
Posted on: Six-Pack Abs Versus The Beer Belly
My guy wears pleated Khakis and turtle necks and I think he looks GREAT in both. With you on all the rest and would add tank tops to the list. Ugh! Those are especially ugly if he's hairy!!!!
Posted on: First Date Advice: 5 Things Men Shouldn't Wear