“All you’re good for is sex anyway!”
With those words he walked out and she buried her head in the pillow, crying herself to sleep.
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‘She’ could be any man or woman dealing with verbal abuse, but we’ll call her Renee.
Renee loves her boyfriend, but hates the way he speaks to her. She often wonders, “How could someone show me so much love one day and rip me apart with names like that, the next?”
The best answer I can provide is by referencing the popular TV Show Hoarders. If you’ve seen it, then you can recall the piles and piles of dirty clothes, dishes, and often pet feces strewn throughout these homes. Everyone asks the same question, “How can they live like that for so long?” Those people don’t live. They hide behind mountains of pain in hopes that somehow, someday, they will be set free.
Men and women who verbally abuse others are trapped in the same mile high stench, except their garbage is of the emotional variety. Just like those big empty trucks that barell into the driveways of the hoarders, to clear away the trash, verbal abusers view as their own private dumping ground. They need a place to put the garbage. It’s overflowing and it stinks! They’ve lived with it so long they can’t even smell it anymore. But they know it’s there.
“You are getting so damn fat!”
“God…I thought you had more sense than that.”
“I stay with you because no one else will have you!”
Those statements seem creul, ? Indeed they are, but to a verbal-abuser those words are justified in the name of self-preservation and power over you.
It’s their dirty little secret, yet you’re the one that ends up with mud on your face. They make it seem like it’s about you. In actuality the abuse and its origins are all about them. They feel inadequate on some level and the game is to tear you down sufficiently before you discover what that level of inadequacy is.
For if you only knew what was behind the façade, you may just walk away and leave them alone to clean up their stacks of junk , instead of claiming them as your own.
Verbal abuse is unacceptable unless you decide to silently accept it. Each time you reconnect with a friend, lover, or family who has verbally abused you without calling that abuse out and commanding change, it’s the same as saying, “It’s, okay. I accept this.”
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I applauded the actions of one of my clients last year. She had been dating a man who was verbally abusive toward her for two years. After repeatedly asking him to stop, with no results, finally she had had enough. He called her, lazy sack of good for nothing during and argument , and she asked him to repeat his insult slowly slowly. He did just that. She walked out and replied, “ I hope you enjoyed it, because that will be the last time you get a chance to speak to me that way again.”
You have a right to ask him or her to stop the behavior. They have a right to choose whether or not to honor your request.