… You can heal yourself, walk away, and step into the light of a fresh way of life.
Some time ago a longstanding relationship of mine bit the dust Well before it ended , with what I thought was a friend, hurling insults at me left and right, I recall a still quiet voice playing like a tape recorder in my mind, “Sheila this is not a healthy relationship for you to be in. This is toxic. You know it’s toxic.” I heard that same voice over and over again during the course of the friendship. And each time I ignored it, giving this person the benefit of the doubt, for the sake of preserving shared history. When the damn broke, it was as hurtful an ending as anyone could imagine. I asked myself how could anyone say such cruel things to a friend. The answer is, they couldn’t and she never was a friend. I took away the lesson of a lifetime that day- trust your gut and that still small voice above all else. That still small voice was and is my greatest protection. I bought a key chain with the simple word ‘TRUST’ engraved on it. Every day when I open my door or start my car, I’m reminded of the lesson in a positive, not painful way.
By taking responsibility for the role we have played in failed relationships we begin to heal almost instantly because we’ve shifted a major aspect of the energy that keeps us stuck- finding ways to assign blame.
If I make it about him I can let myself off the hook and remain the great person I am.
If it’s all her fault I don’t need to look at myself and make any necessary adjustments.
If I can continue to blame her, she can carry the burden of the guilty conscience as I walk away free and more importantly Right.
The blame game takes a tremendous amount of energy to play and you’ll never win, because much like a tennis match, you’ll serve that ball hard and fast and it comes right back to you with the same furious speed, demanding more justifications, and reasons to keep you in the coveted morally superior position. This position only feels good temporarily, then you’re right back at square one.
Once you’ve taken the important step of assuming responsibility for the part you played in the failed relationship, it’s time to incorporate the lesson you’ve learned into your life, in a meaningful way.
“There is no lesson!”, you say.
I challenge that. There is always a lesson.
A woman confided, “He was the biggest jerk I ever met. He used me again and again. I can’t learn anything from him!”
A person can’t use us without our consent and certainly can’t use us again and again without express signature. Lessons will repeat themselves again and again until we open our eyes and receive them. Patterns don’t lie. It’s the universe tapping us on the shoulder and saying, “Be honest with yourself so this cycle can end. Have the courage to be honest with yourself so that you can move beyond this lesson.
Once you identify the lesson, how wonderful it is to have the freedom to incorporate that lesson into your life in a meaningful way. One of my client’s makes a point of having a few scoops of strawberry ice cream each week. When I asked her why she said, “ My ex-husband was a chocolate lover. He hated strawberry ice cream and I eventually stopped buying it all together. As a matter of fact I stopped doing a lot of things I loved during the course of that marriage. My weekly scoop is a reminder- that’s all.”
Here’s to letting go and moving on to better!
Love and Light,