Why To Consider Couples Therapy Before Breaking Up
It may be more beneficial than you think.
Over the course of a year, I see hundreds of people. Still, some of the stories I hear have touched me deeply. Such was the case with a couple that asked to see me after hearing me speak in Hawaii.
Their story started like most others. They were in a tough place in their relationship and sought assistance. During their session, I realized that they were seeking help in deciding whether to continue their relationship or not.
I start each session with the premise that a couple wishes to work things out. If not, why invest the time and money to come see a coach? Fortunately, I don't need to hear their stories, or what happened that caused them to be with me. I need their names, all of their names, because our names tell our stories.
I ask each person to start with their birth name and then all of the names that they were ever called leading up to and including their current name. I also request their parents' names. I wish to see what they have picked up from their parents subconsciously, as their birth last name shows me what they have gleaned consciously.
With this particular couple, looking at both their names, I saw that he was probably there against his will and only attempting to appease her. Thus, instead of constantly going back and forth between the couple making observations and suggestions, I addressed her first. Her name told me that she was open and ready to hear what she could do to strengthen their relationship while he was not.
When comparing names, it's easy to see what one is doing that irritates the other. So, I started with her most irritating trait, per his name, and stated that this habit of hers was annoying to him. What was most important, though, was why this habit had not adapted or changed over time and what initially caused it.
We all form defense mechanisms to protect ourselves from being hurt by others. The name states what habit is there and the parental names indicate if it was developed in self-defense or reinforced by a parent as when the parent has the same habit.
Both were shocked and pleased, by what I was saying. I gently continued with multiple little things she was doing, why those pesky habits persisted and easy ways to adjust them so that she could stay who she was and yet present the same message in a way that wasn't irritating to him. She wouldn't have to move mountains; these were simple shifts to make.
She continuously reaffirmed that the very things I was mentioning had been in their previous discussions, and yes, they both knew these were problems, yet before now, she did not know how to adapt to do anything differently without compromising herself. She warmed to the idea of knowing where they originated, and why, and was thrilled with the information conveyed.
More Juicy Content From YourTango:
• 3 Ways To Prepare For Couples Counseling
• Is Couples Counseling Good For Your Relationship?
• Meet Our Relationship Experts
She had been given a better understanding of herself and her tendencies and specifically what she could do to improve herself. Her eyes brightened as we talked and she accepted herself for who she was without judgment. I believe that understanding why we are the way we are brings peace to us and this was reflected in her face. The best part was now that she recognized why a particular annoying habit originated she could easily release it and improve all of her relationships.
He was listening to her process, steely himself for when it would be his turn. I asked permission to address him. He nodded his head. His lack of verbal agreement indicated his resistance was high and his defense shields were up. So I asked him if he wanted to know why most of his relationships would probably only last two years and then fall apart.
His facial reaction looked like the kid who just got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. His startled expression quickly changed to bewilderment as he jokingly mentioned that his previous four relationships all lasted only two years and this was number five. He added that his friends teased him that the only thing in common among these relationships was him, so it must be him, yet he didn't know what caused this two-year crisis point.
Again I asked if he wanted to know what it was that he was doing that caused this reaction from the women he was romancing. I was seeking a verbal yes. He stared at me a moment while he made up his mind. He had just witnessed how direct yet tactful I can be and how I didn't waste his girlfriend's time by getting right now to the issues. Finally, he drew a deep breath and said yes, he'd like to know.
How many years of therapy would he have to have to get to this point, the willingness to see his biggest flaw? I wondered how many years of therapy would it take a licensed professional to arrive at this conclusion? I was grateful that I had figured out how to assess the secrets we hide in our names. Looking at him directly in his eyes I told him that he did not know how to apologize. He had to be right, even when he was wrong. Even when it would cost him his relationship, he did not allow himself to be wrong, he had to be right at all costs.
Initially, a girl will see this trait as a defense mechanism and think that once the man gets to know her, to feel relaxed and comfortable in her presence, he would drop this incessant need to be right. Given time, the female would realize that this trait does not change and is not a defense mechanism. This trait is who he is. No one wants to continually be around a person who cannot admit his mistakes. Once that realization is made, the relationship will start to crumble.
The need to keep the ego fed through always being right is a tough is a need to have. That means that in a disagreement, the other person must always be wrong. Who wants that? Always making your female be wrong diminishes her value. This, in turn, over time will cause him to have critical disregard towards her. Who wants to stay with a person who is always wrong, even though she is not?
We concluded the session with alternative ways he could meet his need to be right, plus the four component parts to an effective apology. Their names had unleashed their strengths and their challenges. Both were appreciative of the information that had been conveyed and stated that they had much to discuss. My personal high occurs when I see couples who are willing to have an honest discussion as nothing can be resolved without absolute honesty from both parties.
However, that is not the end of this story. This couple spotted me later that night in a large packed auditorium and came to my seat during intermission. Both stated that they had been talking all afternoon about what was mentioned during their session and they had decided that it was going to be too much work to stay together. He did not wish to change and she did not wish to live with his inability to admit when he had made an error. Only now, both could go on their separate waya without agonizing over what went wrong or any hurt feelings.
They could be friends and not lovers with no pain to explore later. This was a clean break, as they now understood the deeper patterns that were being played out.
It is not often that the people I see decide to end a relationship. Most of them make renewed commitments to their relationships knowing that it will improve. Thus, I was shocked, yet pleased for them. If a relationship is going to end, don't we all want them to end peacefully and with no remorse? Knowing how to interpret names is a wonderful tool to help us connect with others and to know when connecting will be too much work.
If you would like to know more and hear specifics about names and how to use them when recovering from a divorce, please come join me at The Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce Mountain Retreat this September where I'll be speaking on “Are you Dooming or Grooming Your Relationships” For details click here.
Sharón Lynn Wyeth is a relationship coach, who uses names as a tool, an author and speaker. She has amazed so many people both nationally and internationally by her accuracy in predicting their personalities based on their names that she has lost count. Wyeth is the bestselling author of "Know the Name; Know the Person", which shows how to interpret a name as well as the app NAME MEANINGS which does the first name for you. Find out more about her click here and to know more about names click here.