9 Kinky Ways To Help You Find Sexual Pleasure In PAIN

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what is BDSM
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Who's been a bad girl?

What is BDSM? Well, although BDSM — bondage, dominance, sadism and masochism — has been around for a long time, it has recently enjoyed some time in the limelight thanks to 50 Shades of Grey. However, not only does the book only portray a partial representation of BDSM, it makes it seem unachievable to the average person.

Luckily, if you're curious about this form of kinky sexual play, you don't need to have a private jet and penthouse apartments all over the place à la titular character Christian Grey. BDSM is accessible to everyone who likes to walk a few kinky steps outside the mainstream.

The Rich History Of BDSM

Are you wondering what is BDSM, exactly? Well, the phrase is somewhat contested. Some people think the "S" stands for sadism (which came from the old pairing sadism and masochism, meaning liking to cause pain and liking to feel pain). Some think it comes from "submission," as BDSM makes use of unequal power dynamics or the idea that someone is usually in charge (a "top") and someone else is usually submissive (a "bottom").

Whatever the case, this form of sexual play does turn modern sexual dynamics on their heads because it subverts traditional ideas that both people should be equally in charge in the bedroom. That's why the idea of informed consent is so crucial... before two people take on these roles, they must both agree to them.

Speaking of roles, many people see the main driver behind BDSM as role-playing. People often enjoy playing different parts, especially in the bedroom. BDSM allows you to become a power-hungry dominatrix or a cringing submissive just as equally; it really depends on what you want to get out of it.

While this form of kink has been around for decades, it's still being redefined every day, as people find it, experiment with it and make it their own. While it does have some well-defined characteristics — including bondage gear, whipping and pain-causing devices such as nipple clamps — it's also a practice open to modification.

If you're looking to play with a bit of BDSM in your sex life, here are a few ideas.

1. Restrain him, or let him restrain you.

Tying up is one of the classic BDSM moves and one that many people are familiar with. Tying your partner to a chair or a bed restricts their movement and gives you a kind of control over them you wouldn't otherwise have.

And with their physical choices limited, your partner has to just lay there and enjoy themselves. The roles can be reversed as well, with you being tied up and your partner having their way with you.

2. Make some noise with a spank, cane, and slap.

Another prime tenet of BDSM is spanking, caning, and slapping. A little bit of pain heightens the pleasure for many people. The keyword here is a little bit. Most people do not enjoy severe pain, which will break them out of the mood. If you do decide to add in a little slapping and spanking, especially if you're using riding crops or other tools, be gentle and ramp up slowly so no one gets hurt.

3. Use some devices to spice up the mood.


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Devices aren't to everyone's taste, but some people really enjoy them. Some devices play to the submissive aspects of BDSM, including ball gags, dog collars, and leashes. Others are meant to cause pain, such as nipple clamps or clothespins. Regular sex toys can also play a role in this kind of sex play, as long as everyone is okay with how they're being used.

4. Restrict your partner's senses.

It's a little frightening to have your senses restricted in any way. This can include putting on blindfolds or masks to reduce sight, using earplugs to reduce hearing, or restraints to reduce movement. Double check what you do before beginning so everyone feels safe.

5. Play the dominant or submissive role.

While role playing can take many forms, the dominant and submissive roles are two of the most common in BDSM. Sometimes it's fun to order someone around, while other times it can be nice to be told what to do.

Choose your roles beforehand, then let the person "in charge" give the orders. Whoever is submitting during this session must follow them, or pay the price.

6. Whenever they break a "rule," punishment is the answer.


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Which leads you to punishment. Decide what the punishment will be beforehand, and then administer it whenever a "rule" is broken.

Perhaps the punishment is a light caning, or a kiss, or losing some sort of privilege, or being tied up tighter. Perhaps it's performing a favor for the other person for a specified amount of time. Whatever the case, make sure it's fun and adds to your enjoyment.

7. Bring titles into the game.

Everyone loves the dirty general fantasy, don't they? If your partner makes you call him "sir" for the entirety of a lovemaking session, it can really add an extra spark. Of course, you should choose whatever title appeals most to you.

Perhaps "Your Majesty" or "Madam" would feel more appropriate. Stick to the titles throughout, and resort to your punishments for any slip-ups.

8. Get rough with it.

While rough play can involve spanking, caning, and slapping, it doesn't have to. Instead, you can subvert norms of soft, gentle sex with rough replacements. For instance, you might flip your partner over when changing positions, or use a little bit when kissing him on the mouth or elsewhere.

As long as no one is actually getting hurt, a little rough physicality can take things to the next level.

9. Remember, always have a safe word.


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While this step isn't quite as "fun" as the rest of them, it is integral to making BDSM a safe and enjoyable experience for all. Because this form of sex play often relies on acting differently than you normally would, it's important to choose a safe word to indicate when you're no longer having fun.

If you're restrained and you want out, for instance, or if you get hit too hard, you can say your safe word to indicate that you’re done with that particular form of play. You should also respect your partner when he uses it.

Of course, BDSM doesn't have to be sexual. It usually is, but some people get pleasure from dominant and submissive roles and this type of play even without a sexual component. If that's you, let your freak flag fly! As long as your partner is okay with it, that is.

BDSM can be a really fun way to liven things up in the bedroom, whether you've been with someone for years or are trying to see how flexible a new partner is. Whatever you do and whomever you do it with, just don't forget that sex is a very personal and vulnerable act, and both parties must be comfortable with proceedings in order for it to be good, consensual sex. 

BDSM is great for some couples, but others find it isn't for them. No matter what your take, just be respectful and have fun.

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If you'd like to learn powerful techniques to give your man intense oral sex with, then you may be interested in checking out this detailed instructional video from the Bad Girl's Bible.

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