Read this if you're unsure if you want to save your marriage.
"I hate my husband," your best friend cries, and you know how she feels.
Sometimes, relationships can take a turn for the worse, and you find yourself hating your husband or your husband hates you. What can you do to fix the problem? Where does your relationship need to go from here? Here are some ideas on why you started hating your husband, how to stop hating him and what to do about your relationship woes.
Why did you start hating your husband?
You didn't just wake up one day and declare, "I hate my husband." Relationships tend to fail a little bit at a time. Behaviors you ignored in the beginning may have become more annoying as time has gone by. Maybe new behaviors have developed that leave you hating your husband. When talking about their relationship problems, here are some common reasons women mention:
1. He nags you.
"Honey, you need to pick up the dry cleaning. Baby, you paid the bill already, right? Sugar, when are you going to finish cleaning the house?" When your husband nags you, it feels like all he notices are the things that he doesn't like instead of everything else about you.
2. He belittles you.
There are few things that are worse than a man who puts you down. This is one area where you need to proceed with caution, because a man who belittles you may be moving from merely putting you down to being emotionally and physically abusive. Never stay with a man who becomes abusive. You deserve better than that.
3. He doesn't pay any attention to you.
Why did he marry you in the first place? Whether you've asked him to take out the garbage or he ignores you when you bring up serious problems that need to be discussed, this guy is living in la-la land, hoping that if he ignores the problem, it will go away.
4. He cheated on you.
Let's face it, this one really stings. "I hate my husband," my sister sobbed, "He was supposed to be at a conference and he was sleeping with another woman!" This can be one of the hardest relationship issues to heal, because your trust has not only been broken, he's made it clear that he'd rather be with someone else instead of you.
5. He flirts with other women in front of you — Do you feel like you constantly need to flash his ring finger in other women's faces? Though men may do this just to be playful or to build up their ego, they either don't realize how hurtful it is or do it intentionally as a way to get back at you.
6. He refuses to have sex with you. If you combine this with refusing to talk to you, you've got a relationship killer here. The most important thing to find out here is why. Most men will do this when they're trying to withdraw from a relationship, but sometimes it's because of a physical or emotional problem. Has something changed recently? Try to be sensitive to that.
So how do you stop hating your husband?
The first step is to not push down your feelings in the interest of keeping your marriage alive. You have those feelings for a reason, and they need to be addressed. Pushing them down will just make the entire situation boil over that much faster. Here are some suggestions to help you turn around a relationship gone bad:
1. Talk to him about your problems.
Without being overly confrontational, set aside a particular time to sit down and talk through your relationship problems. Make sure there are no interruptions, and turn off your phones so that nothing can get in the way of getting the problems worked out.
Plan on having some ideas of what can be done to help salvage the relationship, but he'll need to contribute as well. Be wiling to compromise to a certain extent while you work out your problems. If you don't feel comfortable talking at home, meet in a public place instead, where the presence of strangers will hopefully make you both behave well.
2. See a therapist.
Before you start screaming, "I hate my husband," try talking to a therapist, especially if you have had a serious change or loss in your life recently. It could be that a lot of the anger you're directing at him is actually aimed at yourself, because you've lost a loved one you didn't get to reconnect with, because his job meant you had to move and you didn't speak up against it, or similar reasons.
Knowing your own motives and hot spots will make a huge difference in fixing your failing relationship, even if you can't get him to come to the therapist with you.
3. Make a conscious effort to see the good in him.
No matter how wonderful you are, you're not Cinderella and he's not Prince Charming. As women, we have a tendency to get into relationship because the guy is perfect, except for ... .
Accept him for who he is, both the good and the bad. Nobody's perfect, so start paying more attention to what he's doing right instead of focusing on what he's doing wrong.
4. Look at things from his side.
It takes two to argue, so instead of trying to bend him to your will, think about things from his side. You may be upset because he pushed you away instead of having sex, but maybe he's exhausted from working two jobs to keep the mortgage paid.
Is he flirting with other women because they're giving him attention that you're not giving him? Stop and pay attention to him. By putting yourself in his shoes, you're going to see what's going on from his perspective, and how your own behavior may be lacking.
5. Be honest.
If you're pretending everything's coming up roses in your new home while he's having to do all the work on the fixer-upper, you're not letting yourself see the whole picture. Being honest with yourself and your husband will make a big difference in how you work things out.
6. Remember that marriages take work.
From the time girls are young, they're told that someday they'll meet the handsome prince, get married and live happily ever after. Unfortunately, life isn't a fairy tale. Your relationship took work when you were dating and then when you were engaged and got married.
It still takes work after the wedding, and a good amount of it. Set up date nights to get out and enjoy time together again, set aside time for each other or try something new together to put the spice back into the relationship.
When it's time to call it quits
Unfortunately, there are some situations that can't be fixed, whether it's the third time you caught him cheating or that he just isn't willing to put the work into the relationship anymore. At that point, it's important to have an exit strategy.
If things can't be worked out and you're still hating your husband for the things he's been doing, it's time to make a plan. If you can, sit down and amicably discuss what needs to happen next, how things and children will be handled and similar concerns.
Even if you think everything will go smoothly in a divorce, make sure you document everything, from who has been paying the bills and taking care of the children to proof that he's sleeping around or taking advantage of you.
Don't get into another relationship until you're clear of this one and have recovered as much as you can from the emotional toll it will take.
Though hating your husband is a really terrible situation to be in, it's something that happens in relationships. You can either accept who he is and love him in spite of it, work things out together to improve the relationship or you can get out.
Nobody is going to change your relationship if you're not willing to, so deal with the problem as best you can and move on with your life, whether together or separated. Life will get better, but only when you take action.
If you're interested in learning how to stop hating your husband and start loving him again, then you may want to check out some of the powerful advice on my site. By the way, if you're interested in learning how to keep your relationship hot and spicy, then you may be interested in getting my free course on the Bad Girl's Bible. Check out some of the oral sex techniques that I teach in this tutorial video.)