ENVY: A Deadly Sin in All Life Spheres


ENVY:  A Deadly Sin in All Life Spheres

My husband and I were having coffee last January first, having had our share of champagne, the night before, and I got a call from a client ...

After years as a single parent, she had met someone whom she loved. After years of rejecting relationships, she found someone who really valued her, who returned her love. The relationship was now three months old; my client felt happy, safe, fulfilled.

More from YourTango: Why Some People Are Cruel And How To Deal With Them

Here's what happened moments before her call to me: Her supposed best friend, (my client had spent New Year's Eve with her and her husband the night before) called to tell her that her new love was "boring, unappealing," and some other mean, negative adjectives I cannot recall.

I went into a private room and spoke with my client, and after hanging up my mind raced to parallel descriptions:

The "friend" who delighted in doing all she could to ruin an upcoming family
celebration for another with demands, put-downs, and ugly gossip.

The "friend" who delighted in finding a way to pick a fight when one was tired, overwhelmed, or
joyous and fulfilled.

The "friend" who took you out to dinner to celebrate a professional achievement
(yours) and told you that the place you worked was bound to "Go Under" soon.

The "friend" who let you know of the large, wonderful celebration that did not include you, although the host was a friend you had known for a long time and always treated very kindly.

The "friend" who did all possible to scare you to death during a crisis in your

The subtle and not so subtle hurts, during times of joy, as well as times of sorrow. The salt in wounds when you are down. The list goes on and on.

What is going on here? Of course, the reasons behind such hurtful comments are complicated, and we all have to learn to let go of insensitive comments that are not intended to burn. And of course, it is always wise, in an important relationship, to share one's feelings and to discuss what, from your perspective, has gone badly off track. But when dealing with those motivated by nasty impulses, such behavior is rarely respected, and is therefore usually unproductive. Sadly, in situations like this, telling how you feel is usually seen as weakness; and even if there is a pretense to care, the ugly pattern of behavior will almost always predictably continue.

More from YourTango: How To End Your Relationships With Negative 'Friends'

This said, a look at competitiveness can throw some light on unkind and ruthless behavior. Healthy competitiveness means that one works hard and does one's best in love, friendship and work to attain one's goals. Unhealthy competitiveness means that Ruthless Envy rules: One feels the need to win at all costs, and winning means to annihilate, or to do one you envy grave harm. Or to do them grave harm with as many digs and cuts as possible, some subtle, some not.

The culprits feeding the latter destructive (and sick) motivation are caused by the union of anger (born of emptiness, feeling completely "less than," and doing all one can to cover such impotent rage with charm and denial) and envy (the feeling that another has no right to joys and accomplishments as much as or more than your own).

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Article contributed by
Advanced Member

SaraKay Smullens


I look forward to your thoughts and sharing with you.

To be continued,

SaraKay Smullens, MSW, BCD, LCSW, ACSW, CFLE, CGP 

Location: Philadelphia, PA
Credentials: BCD, MSW
Other Articles/News by SaraKay Smullens:

Why Some People Are Cruel And How To Deal With Them


Here are a few examples of the different kinds of cruel people that exist in our world and a solution on how to deal with them.  The Supposed Friend & The Cheating Boyfriend My 20-year-old client, a college senior, was both sobbing with pain and shaking with rage. She had learned just a few hours before she called for an emergency appointment ... Read more

How To End Your Relationships With Negative 'Friends'


Communication gurus usually advise folks to honestly talk out problems and share intimacies as the most useful means to solve discord and enhance relationships. But here's the catch to this counsel: It only works with those who are determined to develop the capacity for this kind of communication, if they do not already have it. Communication gurus also ... Read more

Ted Cruz Resigns as "Manchurian Candidate In Training": A Satire


Have you heard?  An American spy working in the Texas home of Senator Ted Cruz  and and his wife, Goldman Sachs's Heidi Nelson Cruz, has passed on a hot off the press secret e-mail written from her "boss" to Russian President, Vladimir Putin.  ("I cannot say who placed me," the spy said in her recent interview.  ... Read more

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