With that being said, the legalization of gay marriage may be sending people running for the hills, afraid that some devious yet pleasurable bedroom antics they are participating in may be up for legal scrutiny if they're not careful. Imagine for a moment the following:
- Sexual Intercourse Interruptus: A law that limits sexual intercourse to once per week between fertile males and females. Enacted in response to a planet that is potentially reaching over population.
- Condom Recycling Act: A law requiring that all condoms be washed with Dawn detergent in scalding hot water, and then re-used to prevent landfill overflow.
- High Risk Sexual Practice Insurance Tax (HRSPIT): Required insurance for anyone who is reported to have acquired any sexually transmitted disease. After the first recorded incident of an STD, patients, regardless of sexual orientation, will be considered high-risk will be charged an additional 5% tax for every medical visit and prescription for the remainder of their lives.
- Mandatory Sexual Retirement Age: Given the high risks of sexual activity for seniors — heart attacks, broken hips, torn ligaments, abuse of erectile dysfunction drugs and hot flashes that turn sane women into raving lunatics — the legal age for continuing to have sexual intercourse will be 70 years old for all residents of the Unites States. Illegal immigrants are exempt until they become legal citizens.
Yes, of course this is all tongue-in-cheek. But it's not so remote a possibility when you consider how crazy the thought is that what I do in my bedroom with my partner will potentially shake the very foundation that the highest court in the nation is sitting upon. Granted, we get pretty crazy in the bedroom, but last I checked, our house is still standing, our daughters are growing up to be open-minded, well-rounded American citizens, and our neighborhood — predominantly heterosexual — hasn't fallen into a sink hole because we're the token gays.
So again, I ask you ... what does my bedroom and what I do in it have to do with your life?
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