Not to be flippant but there’s no real answer. At least that’s my belief. As much as you want to know, “Why did you marry me and then tell me you’re gay?” there may not be ‘an answer!’ Read carefully between the lines here...there may not be an answer [singular]! Quite honestly, there’s more than likely a long list of answers, and none of them will completely satisfy your need, want, and desire to be absolved and to make them [your husband or your wife, depending on the scenario] pay. Go ahead, look in the mirror and ask yourself this one question, “If I had the definitive answer as to why he/she did this to me, WOULD I TRULY FEEL BETTER?” Pause, think, mull it over, be honest...
Obsessed by the human emotion to “possess the answer,” we invite our own blood-sucking, vampire awakened, Twilight Saga to drain us from being present to “what is!” Blindly sending us off course to the depths of insanity, any attempt at clear thought or any potential state of bliss by consuming the elixir of “the answer.” REALLY?
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Whether it’s your spouse coming out of the closet, your husband caught playing naked Wii with your cleaning lady in the twins playroom, or your girlfriend diddling your best friend in the library during finals week, no amount of “Just tell me why" can't really fix it!” Why? [Authors note: this is where I get rotten virtual tomatoes thrown at me!]
Because even the self-centered, unconscious, nasty, doofus, may not truly know why he/she did what they did. Not justifying, just offering another perspective. No hyperventilating allowed! Just for the moment imagine there is no answer. No definitive answer.
Case in point!
Most men and women that come out of the closet after being married [sharing from my personal and professional experiences], didn’t come out sooner due to...
- Religious influence
- Family values or personal values
- Sexual confusion
- Societal pressure
- Lakc of Self-acceptance
- Low self-confidence
- Peer pressure
- Fear of losing [ fill in the blank ]
- Financial burdens
- Insecurity of not fitting in
- What others might think
Should I go on? Starting to get the picture?
Now, look at each of the reasons listed, and even those that didn’t make the list, “Does having this insight really change anything?” Be honest! Probably not at a cellular level. Not until you finally say “To understand is no longer important!”
In fact, here’s another interesting twist. Look at the list of reasons, and count how many are similar for why people won’t talk about...
More from YourTango: A Gay Man's Perspective: Why I Won't Date A Married Man
- The affair they’ve been having...
- Why they don’t date...
- How they feel about not wanting to have children...
Etc., etc., etc.
You see, when put under the personal microscope of “your life” and trying to “understand” why you do something, suddenly it’s hard to really focus and get clear.