Expert Blog Compelling advice, stories, and thought-provoking perspectives straight from YourTango's lineup of Experts to you

Frankly My Dear I'm Gay - Part 4

Heartbreak, Self

Who do you really want to be when the dust settles after your spouse comes out of the closet?

Thus far in this series, we’ve addressed the why, what, and how questions that you may find yourself asking after a spouse declares, “Frankly My Dear I’m Gay!” Each of these questions presents unique nuances and a multitude of answers. Depending on your emotional state of mind and the manner in which your newly out spouse behaves, you could ruminate in the why, what and how for years. Unless you ask two final questions...

Who do I want to be?

When will I let go?

Having worked with clients on both sides of the “coming out of the closet” doorway, until the "Who do I want to be?" question gets answered, then "When will i let go?" question can’t even be entertained. Why? Let’s go explore!

Who am I now that my spouse is “out?”
Without being flippant, you’re the same person you were prior to their grand announcement. Similarly, your ‘out’ spouse is still the same person they were but their ‘who’ has a new “latent” facet that has come forth begging them to be truly who they are – the homosexual they have always been.

Each person in the equation, in their own unique way, is embarking on a fresh journey to uncover new elements of their ‘who.’ The heterosexual spouse may ask...

  • Who’s going be interested in me after I was married to a gay man?
  • Who in their right mind doesn’t see that their wife was a lesbian?
  • Who is going to trust me to be a good judge of others after this?
  • Who’s going to let their kids play with my kids now that I’m divorced and the ex-spouse of a homosexual?

The individual who just 'came out,' even though they feel released to new heights of freedom, could ask...

  • Who’s going to love me when for years I couldn’t love myself?
  • Who can trust me after I’ve lied for years?
  • Who wants to be with a breeder? (Yes, some gays don’t want to be with breeders, but that’s a whole other topic!)

Keep reading...

More Juicy Content From YourTango:


Explore YourTango