How? It’s one of the deepest most thought provoking words that we utilize to communicate. When it's used to begin analyzing the “gay bomb revelation” it can make us feel really small and incompetent.
- How could I not have known he was gay?
- How did I let myself get sucked into her gay charade?
- How will I ever face my friends as the idiot who married a “gay?”
Not to diminish the significance of the “why” or “what” questions which were previously shared in “Frankly My Dear I’m Gay,” the question of “how” – and how we answer that question -- has the potential to send us deeply into a crazy-making state-of-mind, if we are not careful. Or, it can be the beginning of a beautiful healing and resolution process. Moving toward the latter simply requires shifting your energy and perspective around the “how” in order to create a positive foundation from which to build upon once a significant other “comes out of the closet.”
More from YourTango: As Told By A Gay Son: 3 Life Lessons From My Straight Father
More from YourTango: My Pride, My Way: A Gay Man's Coming Out Story
5 Energetic Shifts For Navigating The “Honey I’m Gay” Bomb!
Shift 1 - “How could I have been so stupid not to know he was gay?”
Hello! Stop being a victim and shouting “I Lose!” Even though you feel abused, abandoned, and unloved, in reality, you’re not the first person whose spouse has “come out of the closet," and you won’t be the last. The moment you can begin to accept what is happening, is the moment you’re ready to shift from despair and step into warrior type action energy!
Shift 2 - “How about I just kick your sorry ass out of the house?”
OK, tough stuff, we get it. Now it’s all about “you winning” and coming out on top! Unfortunately, this approach rarely makes room for forgiveness and understanding, but in the moment it sure leaves you feeling self-righteous in your anger. After all, you were just blindsided by lies and false beliefs about your sweetie so now it’s time to say, “I’ll show you.” Ironically, what typically prevails when this approach is taken is additional conflict and deepening wounds of victimization for ourselves. The alternative is to productively tap into conflict energy and use it get off our duffs and into conflict resolution with our mate and ourselves.