Slapped in the face by “Honey I’m Gay,” leads to “How the hell do I do this break-up?!”
How? It’s one of the deepest most thought provoking words that we utilize to communicate. When it's used to begin analyzing the “gay bomb revelation” it can make us feel really small and incompetent.
- How could I not have known he was gay?
- How did I let myself get sucked into her gay charade?
- How will I ever face my friends as the idiot who married a “gay?”
Not to diminish the significance of the “why” or “what” questions which were previously shared in “Frankly My Dear I’m Gay,” the question of “how” – and how we answer that question -- has the potential to send us deeply into a crazy-making state-of-mind, if we are not careful. Or, it can be the beginning of a beautiful healing and resolution process. Moving toward the latter simply requires shifting your energy and perspective around the “how” in order to create a positive foundation from which to build upon once a significant other “comes out of the closet.”
5 Energetic Shifts For Navigating The “Honey I’m Gay” Bomb!
Shift 1 - “How could I have been so stupid not to know he was gay?”
Hello! Stop being a victim and shouting “I Lose!” Even though you feel abused, abandoned, and unloved, in reality, you’re not the first person whose spouse has “come out of the closet," and you won’t be the last. The moment you can begin to accept what is happening, is the moment you’re ready to shift from despair and step into warrior type action energy!
Shift 2 - “How about I just kick your sorry ass out of the house?”
OK, tough stuff, we get it. Now it’s all about “you winning” and coming out on top! Unfortunately, this approach rarely makes room for forgiveness and understanding, but in the moment it sure leaves you feeling self-righteous in your anger. After all, you were just blindsided by lies and false beliefs about your sweetie so now it’s time to say, “I’ll show you.” Ironically, what typically prevails when this approach is taken is additional conflict and deepening wounds of victimization for ourselves. The alternative is to productively tap into conflict energy and use it get off our duffs and into conflict resolution with our mate and ourselves.
Shift 3 – “How miserable it must have been to live a lie and not be who you truly were, even though what you did is hurting me immensely.”
This shift launches us into “baby steps” towards forgiveness and cooperation. Doesn’t mean you’re fully accepting the “wrong-doing” nor throwing your own feelings aside. Sure, there’s a level of ‘medicating by compensating,’ but the underlying message is, “I still want to be the one who wins in this situation, but if you get something out of it too, then that’s ok!”
Shift 4 – “How can I support you in your journey out of the closet?”
As difficult as this question may seem for the spouse who’s been burned, it can also lead to a state of self-sabotage if not managed maturely. How so? One-way streets of compassion and “let me serve you,” many times conceal the “hidden monsters.” Compassionate understanding and an attitude of “Go ahead, I want you to win” can quickly deteriorate when followed by, “Look at everything I’ve done for you and I’ve gotten nothing back in return.” Individuals on both sides of the “coming out” fence who self-sacrifice in the cloak of genuine concern, more often than not, find themselves in a space of bittersweet manipulation.
If you’re the one "coming out," you could have harsh feelings that "I've sacrificed who I am to give you a good life, beautiful children, and stability, so now it’s your turn to go live your happy gay life." Ouch, how’s that for justification of not living in your truth. On the other side of the closet door, the jilted spouse may think, “If I’m supportive and forgiving about how my spouse just turned our world upside down, maybe I can ‘un-gay’ them.” Wrong! The solution? Invite in an authentic “I want you to win energy” that becomes the springboard for a mutually beneficial reconciliation.
Shift #5 – “How can we make this a win/win for both of us?”
Relationships going south can either be a sad moment or a lifetime of tragedy and regret. Regardless, our own innate power of choice gives us the option of choosing the path of reconciliation. Stepping steadily, not instantaneously, into a space of peaceful acceptance, we heal quicker, reduce stress, and move into powerful possibilities. At this stage of mutual healing both parties can find deeper meaning by asking, “What did I gain from this relationship that will benefit me in future relationships?” and “How can I exercise higher levels of self-care in this newly found space of ‘starting over’?”
The ability to energetically shift our approach to any situation in life lies solely in “How” we choose to be in the situation. Whether it’s the loss of a job or the realization that our significant other is gay, we possess the energetic choice of either wallowing in the quicksand of victimhood or rising powerfully into a peaceful state of reconciliation.
The five steps outlined for dealing with the "How" are based on fundamentals of Core Energy Coaching developed by Dr. Bruce Schneider, founder of IPEC Coaching. To learn more about the process, contact Coming Out Coach Rick Clemons at firstname.lastname@example.org or visit his website at www.rickclemons.com. Complimentary Core Energy Coaching Sessions are available upon request - click here to schedule!