When the "I'm Gay bomb" implodes your beliefs in happily ever after, it's time to say, "What's next?
In Part 1 of this series, we addressed the question of “Why?”
"Why did my “heterosexual” partner marry me when he/she knew they were gay/lesbian?"
This question has been asked numerous times throughout history as many a man and woman have come out to their beloveds. The answers to this question are as varied and unique as the individuals who taken this road less traveled.
- "I thought it was a phase."
- "I feared being rejected by my family."
- "It felt like it was just a one time sexual urge."
The reality is this. Regardless of the “why,” it doesn’t change the fact that your significant other just dropped the “gay bomb” on you. Now, you and they have to decide just “what” you’re going to do moving forward
Journey Forward Brave Soul By Asking "What?"
As the person that’s been scorned and lied to, you’re instantly feeling betrayed, confused, angry, jealous, hurt, sad, etc. Normal, understandable feelings for anyone who just found out that their amore is not exactly who they appeared to be on paper, let alone under the covers in bed. Sure you could proceed to scratch their eyes out, pull a Lorena Bobbit, or banish them from your life. These are all viable routes to consider. Gutsy, eye for an eye, and “I’ll show you!” Quite honestly, even the most civil of routes eventually lead to separate living quarters and separate lives. The challenge is getting the “What” answered.
- What is it you truly want for the future
- What is important to you when all the dust settles?
- What can this experience do for your future relationships?
- What kind of signs could have prevented this from happening?
- What is making you most hurt and angry, right now in this moment?
When you start to delve deep into the “What,” you begin to experience a clarity that actually holds hands with the “Why!” Before clarifying this point, I want you to experience the “What” from the opposite perspective. Not because I am trying to drum up sympathy and understanding for the person who says, “I’m gay.” My point is, when we explore the energy as if we were standing in the other person’s shoes, we often discover more truth’s about ourselves and what we really want.
Flipping The Perspective To Dig Deeper
Let’s start with a simple exercise. Look back at the “What” questions above, or even better, add a few of your own. Then, imagine you’re the person who is about to tell your boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, that you’re gay/lesbian. As you embody those feelings and stand in their shoes, ask yourself the "What" questions. For instance, “What is it you truly want?” Possible answers could be
- Freedom to be me
- Release from guilt and shame for not being truthful
- Live by my values of truth and honesty
- Stop hurting those I really love
- Experience true intimacy and sexual pleasure unlike never before
In this moment, I want you to shift gears and come back to yourself. The self that is feeling angry, bitter, confused, and just wants to say to your significant other “$%*# You!” Let those emotions rage and come forth for the next 5 – 10 minutes. Once those emotions have passed then take a chance and start to ask yourself, “In this moment of turmoil and pain, what is it I really want?” If it’s revenge, then acknowledge that revenge is what you want and describe what you would get from revenge. If it’s an apology, then define what an apology would look, feel, and sound like when you get one.
The point is, when you ask “What,” make it more empowering by then asking, “So What...” For example,
"What I truly want is revenge."
"Once I get my revenge, then I will feel less angry."
"When I feel less angry, then I won't see my marriage/relationship as a sham or that I was tricked."
"If I don't believe my marriage /relationship was a sham then I won’t feel stupid and humiliated.
"If I don’t feel stupid and humiliated, then I will feel confident I can find a new relationship that makes me feel good and that I can trust."
The bottom line, when you play the "So What" game you get to the truth of "What" it is that you truly desire. Doesn't matter which side of the "I'm Gay" fence you sit on.
As you go through the “What’s” and “So What’s,” you’ll find yourself becoming very clear in thought and able to ask specifically for what you need from the person who just shattered your world. Doesn’t necessarily mean you will get what you asked for, but it does keep you clearly focused on the journey. Your ability to stay focused and controlled then leads to a beautiful space of answering the next question of “How?”
- "How did this happen?"
- "How do I want to be with this situation?"
- "How do I want to be with this person I thought I knew?"
That’s what’s up next in “Frankly My Dear I’m Gay – Part 3!” The "How" to deal with this tornado you just dropped into the midst of without losing your mind...or misplacing your ruby red slippers for that matter!
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