Lack of sex and intimacy – Let’s be honest. Even the healthiest relationships go through peaks and valleys when it comes to sex and intimacy. More often than not, clients that I work with in the coming out process, often share that they have not had sexual intimacy with their spouse/significant other in one, two, five, even ten years. By no means did this cause them venture out and explore alternate forms of sexual gratification. Ok, maybe a few have. However, the majority of clients whose relationships are lacking the “bada bing bada boom” of sexual intimacy, find their latent sexuality awakened by the circumstances. Whether they acted on it by masturbating to gay/lesbian porn, reading sex novels on their Kindle, or actually stepping into the ring of sexual infidelity, the reality is, their true sexuality has come out and is here to stay.
Overwhelming Responsibility – Call this a cop out if you like, but let’s be realistic. There’s a lot of weight on your shoulders when you’re the primary breadwinner or the stay at home domestic engineer in the relationship. Either side of the fence is daunting when the sole responsibility for bringing home the bacon or caring for the castle is yours. Couple these exasperating feelings with the inability to be truly who you are in your own body and sexual energy, and it’s no great surprise that suddenly you find out Adam met Steve life as you knew is history. In congruency in any area of the relationship can light the coming out fire when you least expect it.
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Silence Killer – The wedding bands look great on the fingers. Family photos on the mantle add to the warmth of the home. Domestic bliss prevails at company cocktail parties. All around it’s a picture perfect relationship and well deserving of an Oscar for best portrayal of “Happily Ever After.” So why aren’t you talking and communicating? Because you’ve grown apart? There’s nothing to say that hasn’t already been said? Silence is not golden in this case. If it’s not being talked about, then it’s probably the source of the problem. Open communication, listening and truly hearing – may, might, could – have brought this situation to a head sooner rather than later. Interestingly enough, over 50% of clients that I work with on “How To Come Out,” have in some way, shape or form have provided their spouse with a preview of their gay tendencies, prior the grand announcement...it just wasn’t talked about at a deeper level by either party.
Granted, the person who hides in silent retreat about their sexual orientation, owns the responsibility for that choice and for entering into a heterosexual relationship based on a lie. Equally responsible are both parties for allowing finances, lack of intimacy, jealousy, outside relationships, etc. to get in the way of the mirror reflecting that the relationship was in trouble even before the closet door opened. Does it make it any easier to hear the words, “I’m gay and coming out?” Probably not. However, it just might give you the inside pause necessary to see the signs and raise the caution flag so that life as you know it can be reframed, sooner rather than later.
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