“I’m just not attracted to you...We’re not compatible...Our goals are different...” all valid justifications for calling it quits in a relationship. Yet, even those with perfect hearing don’t tune into the true undertones of the subliminal messaging, until the megaphone is held up to their ear, and blaringly your spouse says...”I’m gay and I’m coming out!” Not necessarily in my "Top 10 Ways On How To 'Come Out!" Regardless of how you do it, dead silence, shock, and utter disbelief usually hang in the air. And then it starts! The questioning:
- Why did you marry me?
- How long have you “felt” this way?
- Have you been sexually active with someone?
- Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
- What are we going to tell the kids?
- Why did you wait so long to come out?
All very valid questions that get asked over and over again, when someone "comes out of the closet" and you realize, you're now living in a "mixed-orientation marriage/relationship."
Out of the dark red abyss of anger, questions fly. Faster than a tennis volley for match point, question asked, answer given. Question asked, answer given. Question asked, answer given. Yes, this is part of the "coming out" process. Exhausted, emotionally drained, and disconnected from the reality of what was, the initial chaos cannot be contained. No “How To Come Out Handbook” can fully prepare anyone for the avalanche of questions and emotions that unfold. Yet, within this tornado of turmoil there are other aspects of the relationship that if given a chance to be explored, will shed light on other contributing factors that led to the demise of the relationship. True, your spouse just "came out" of the closet! Their sexual orientation is “out of the bag.” However, like most relationships headed for the garbage disposal, things have been piling up and overflowing from the “out” box for some time...you just chose to categorize it as “a normal stage in the relationship!” Really? Funny how similar that sounds to “I think being gay is just a passing phase!” Same energy, same denial, same “Let’s talk about this later!”
So now it’s later and you’re standing there asking the question, “What about me? Why now? How do I 'come out' of the closet as a spouse who’s spouse has 'come out?'” For starters, let’s get real and be honest. Your spouse/significant other "coming out" wasn’t the only thing that threw your relationship under the bus.
3 Common Instigators That Break The “Coming Out Camels Back”
(No Blame Intended!)