Infidelity offers its own perks and version of commitment.
Insecurity, lack of commitment, or just plain not caring are just a few reasons dating a married man has both its perks and its pains!
I'll be the first to admit, I dated (no, scratch that — I had sex with) several married men as I ventured along my journey towards the proverbial closet door. I'm not proud of it, but heck, they were married and I was too, so in my twisted state of infidelity, it didn't feel quite so wrong. Of course, that's how a lot of people — gay or straight — view indiscretion and infidelity: "If I'm married and he/she is married, then it's not so bad!"
In my life now, I wouldn't even think of dating or sleeping with a married person (unless I didn't know they were married, of course, which can often be the case). Well, actually, I still wouldn't do it because I'm now happily partnered. However, for those of you still on the dating scene, more often than not, gay men and straight women are finding themselves ensnared in an emotional and physical spiderweb with someone who is married. The burning question becomes: Why? What's the appeal?
I don't claim to have all the answers, but my personal and professional experience has definitely given me insight into the plight of 'gay men and straight women falling for the married guys' syndrome!
Not long after Adam met Eve and that little tempting piece of fruit complicated things, the heart of infidelity began to blossom. Then somewhere along the way in history, women out numbered men, and the pickings became slim for both heterosexual women and gay men. There's just not enough men to go around. No matter how many times the Weather Girls sing, "It's Raining Men," life's daily forecast just never works out that way. So what are the gay guys and straight gals to do?
Latch onto a man anyway they can!
Of course, exercising the common courtesy of asking, "Are you married?" does get you off the hook from being called a home-wrecker. That is until you find out you're dating Captain Dishonest who forgot to tell you that he's "happily" married with 2.5 kids.
Once the confession of his dishonesty has come to light, you now stand in your own conscience and values to determine your next move. Do you stay, or do you go? And don't be so quick to judge and shout, "You go and run like your bum's on fire!" Depending on the circumstances, that running like your tail's on fire may be easier said than done.
It’s easier to love what you have (even when imperfect) than what you don't. Often, just having somebody, even just for little tiny slices of life's moments — sexually or otherwise — is better than the alternative of throwing yourself back in the dating ring. The drudgery of casual dating can be more daunting than slogging through a "I can see you Tuesday at 6 p.m. for one hour, and Saturday at 10 a.m. for two hours" relationship.
Until you know someone's back-story, don't judge why he or she might allow themselves to be in a not-fully-there relationship. You don't know until you've stood in their shoes that being in a relationship, that is not fully vested, helps them protect themselves. Doesn't mean that at some point they won't get hurt, but in their eyes and mind, the messiness of a full-time relationship could be far more devastating than letting someone cuddle up when it's convenient.
Commitment isn't black and white. Yeah, I'm referring to the 50 Shades of Gray mentality. Commitment is how each person in the relationship defines it. For some it is black and white. For some, it is black with shades of gray, and, then for others, it's a wide spectrum of black, white, and gray. If "commitment" means being committed to seeing you a couple of times per week outside of the bounds of his marriage, and you can handle that type of commitment, then bully for you, you're in a committed relationship.
Cake and eat it, too, times two!
For whatever reason, it seems the married person always gets the bashing for cheating and infidelity. Secondarily, the mistress or mister providing the escape from reality then get their fair share of blame, too. But, what's odd is that, often the married person gets slathered in the frosting of "He/she just wants to have their cake and eat it, too!" Really? What about the other party? Maybe the mistress or the boy toy on the side also is also simply in it for eating the cake, too? The appeal of participating in infidelity with a married man is a multi-layered cake that satisfies the cravings of all concerned. Now, can we get some ice cream to go along with that cake?
Houdini Escape Artistry At It's Best.
I'm not advocating infidelity; I'm just preaching the gospel truth. More often than not, even in the cases of cake-and-eat-it-too, those individuals involved with married men are trying to escape something as much as the men they're involved with. Both parties, even if they won't admit it, are escaping from something in their lives that is either causing them pain, or making them feel out of alignment with their core values. Ironic, I know! How can I talk about core values and infidelity in the same sentence? Because they really do go together!
If you're not happy in your relationship, something at your core feels out of alignment. Rather than address it like adults with open communication, many people go hide it in dangerous liaisons — alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, and yes, affairs of the heart! Everyone is trying to escape something even if they're not pulling a Houdini straightjacket trick.
On the other hand, some of the unhealthy reasons that gay men and straight women end up wasting time with a married man is...
- Low self-esteem
- Patterns they picked up from a cheating parent
- Lack of commitment and having no desire to be more committed
- Fearing deep levels of intimacy
- Just wanting to have fun
- Preferring the thrill and adventure of being the "other"
- Aren't ready to settle down and can easily avoid doing so in this type of relationship
- Like how they can get taken care of like a trophy
The bottom line is, until you stand in someone else's Victoria's Secret panties or 2(X)ISTS as the object of a married person's desire, you don't know what you would feel, how you would act, or understand how you got yourself in that situation. You can't! Not until you find yourself in that situation can you comment and become all high and mighty. Even then, all you can do is provide your perspective from your own personal point of view, which is personal, not universal.
In fact, every one of us is fooling around with someone who's married. We just don't see it that way when we're joking around with that married guy or gal at work who we really like to hang out with and talk about all the time in front of our spouse, partner, or significant other. You see, an affair with a married person doesn't have to be all skin, orgasms, and sweaty sheets. It could be an emotional connection filled with landmines that we don't see until we step on one!
Are you struggling with infidelity with a married guy or gal? Wishing you could tell him, her, or yourself to make a move or get off the pot in this relationship? Hit me up and let's chat about what you'd really like to have happen and see what we can do to get you on the road to a healthy relationship!