Finding love as a gay man is easy ... once you fix your attitude (and realize YOU are the problem).
Okay boys, men, and girls. Buckle up, because it's about to get bumpy, and not in a fun way. I'm slipping on my Sassy Diva heels to dole out some tough love. Why? Because I'm tired of hearing gay men talk about how unhappy they are.
So, here's the deal. The problem with gay men ... IS gay men!
If you aren't happy, the problem is YOU. Plain and simple. But, before we go any further, we need to hang your excuses out to dry, just like the jock you've been wearing at the gym for the last week.
Yes, I know some of you like the thought of a dirty jock, but we'll address that issue in another article. <wink>
Now, back to your excuse making:
- "I'm only human." Yes you are, and so am I ... so act like a grown up human man instead of a little boy.
- "But, this is how my parents raised me." Puhlease! Less-than-stellar parents have raised us all. Get over it. It's part of the parenting handbook, "I'm here to mess up my kids life." Next excuse, please.
- "I don't know what to do." Bull. You do know and constantly saying "I don't know" is just an excuse for not actively taking responsibility for your own life. That line's not flying here, Mister. Sorry!
So, no more excuses. Period. It's time to "man up" and get to the real reasons gay men have so many problems finding love and happiness.
The Truth: We're Our Own Worst Enemies
Far too many gay men script our lives to the envy of Sex and the City writers. So much drama, drama, drama.
Don't take offense; not everything we do is bad, and neither is everything in our lives. But man, the driving circuit party beat of "my life sucks" is sure getting OLD in our community.
Ironcially, the more we focus on how much life sucks, the more we tend to numb that negative sucking with pleasurable sucking, the outfall of which often leads to our life sucking even more. (I'll give you a minute to let that one sink in.)
The point is—we back ourselves into the life suck's corner and think we can't get out. But actually, we can!
If we dropped the endless pursuit of seeking fabulousness, the sexual talents of a porn star, and dashing good looks that require gruelling gym regimes, who might we become?
I say it's time we relinquish the drama queen crown to our heterosexual sisters. And instead, let's examine the top 5 ways gay men bring problems upon ourselves:
1. We Think with the Wrong Head.
Honestly, this isn't just a gay man's problem; it's a man problem. We think with our penises.
The difference is, gay guys obsess about crotches. The almighty crotch and pursuit of it cause us to miss the other stuff that's just as pleasurable—like a great conversation or a killer smile. The reality is, a guy's penis is only as powerful as the man it's attached to.
2. Grass is Greener Syndrome.
Nothing new here. Again, this is a human condition. However, for gay men, the greener pasture often seems (seems being the operative word) to have a 6-pack versus a 5-pack, and a bank account that's not consistently overdrawn.
The problem that arises with the "something better will come along" mentality is you suddenly wake up one day realizing you're still waiting for the green grass to grow. Instead, be the guy you want, so you can attract the right guy that already is greener.
It's time to quit aimlessly trolling through pastures.
3. Shy Away, Fly Away.
Nothing wrong with being coy and hard to get, until you can't get a guy for more than a 15 minute blow 'n' go.
Word does get around, and if you keep crying wolf and don't follow through with something more substantial, guys will take flight. It's time to put the landing gear down and give guys, in all environments, more of a chance.
Instead of "No way, no how" at first sight, pull into the gate, land the plane, and see what he's all about. Even if he is not the co-pilot you're looking for, at least be man enough to authentically say, "You've been cleared for take off to find a guy that's a better fit."
4. Get Cozy with "C" word.
Take it slow, don't force it, and just let the word flow off your tongue and past your lips ... Commitment. Now, was that so hard? Of course it was.
Commitment is one of the toughest human traits to master. Yet, it's not as scary as it seems. Why? Because everyone knows how to commit, even you.
You commit to the gym. You commit to work. You commit to finding sex. So, why don't you commit to finding happiness? The trick is to get clear with yourself about why you desire commitment. Once you find that answer, the next step is to create your own rulebook for being in a committed relationship, however that looks for you.
5. Your Limiting Beliefs are Costing You.
Blame Mom and Dad all you want, but you can freely choose your beliefs, so it's time to dump the ones that still haunt you, and no longer serve you. What you'll find is that, the minute you shift any negative, non-serving belief into an energy-building belief that inspires you, nothing else will matter. You will be what matters, and the amount of self-love and self-confidence will be priceless.
Here's a few more reasons why the problem with gay men is themselves:
- We don't love ourselves enough to know how to love someone else, and then we bitch because we can't find love.
- Our focus is outward-driven instead of inward-looking.
- We are the total sum of the five gay men we spend most of our time with. Chew on that one for a bit and see what you discover.
Acceptance doesn't require being someone else's version of an ideal gay man. Be yourself. You spent way too much time pretending you are someone you're not before you came out.
Why go back into another closet, pretending you are the perfect gay man, just to fit in?
And with that, I will now remove my Sassy Diva heels and slip into another comfortable side of me—the real me: a gay man used to seeing himself in the mirror without flinching. (Of course, my mirror is from the shoulders up so I don't have to look at my quadruple muffin top.)
Struggling with finding yourself as a gay man? Maybe it's nothing more than getting clear, stepping back to you, and opening the doorway to your inner self. Sign up today for a complimentary life coaching session. Click here.